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by Keith & Tami Kiser
'Virtual' Success: A Practical Guide to
Real Protected Sex
Believe it or not, it's possible in this day
and age of MTV, HBO, and VCRs to successfully
protect your gift of sexuality from abuse or
from further abuse. Developing the virtue of
chastity is the key. Without chastity
controlling our thoughts and actions, we'll
abuse our sexuality.
Before every high-school varsity basketball
game Keith played, his coach always went over
the game plan. Were they going to play
man-to-man defense or zone? Were they going to
keep the tempo upbeat or slow the game down?
Which players from the other team did they have
to guard closely?
Without a strategy and focused attack, it
would be hard for most teams to win a basketball
game. The same is true for being successful at
protecting our sexual gift. If we don't have a
game plan, losing the battle becomes much more
likely.
What follows is a discussion of a practical
strategy that works. Our strategy is based upon
the truth that chastity is only possible when we
have certain foundational virtues in place.
Traditionally, the Catholic Church has held
up seven virtues as those that are at the core
of all the other virtues (including chastity).
Those virtues are: faith, hope, love,
justice, prudence, self-control, and toughness.
We hope to show you how striving to practice
these virtues can "virtually" guarantee the
successful protection of your very good gift.
Chastity can't be practiced without them.
The first three virtues are related to one
another in that they focus on one's relationship
with God. They have God as their ultimate
object. We are to have faith in God, hope in
God, and love for God. We will show you how
important your relationship with God is for
developing and maintaining the virtue of
chastity. (Cf. CCC 1812-1813.)
Virtue No. 1: Faith (Trusting That God Knows
Best)
A personal friendship with God is most
important in developing the inner strength to
practice the virtue of chastity. Our
relationship with God should be based upon a
sincere trust in his love for us. This is a
trust that allows us to say: "God, you made me;
you love me; you know what's best for me even if
it's difficult for me to carry out your will.-
(Cf. CCC 1814-1816.)
You can see why this kind of faith is
required. Faith provides us with the necessary
motivation for practicing chastity: love for
God. Without this motivation, chastity can seem
restrictive and out of date.
But faith is not possible unless we pray.
If you want to be chaste, you gotta pray.
What do we mean by prayer? Simply talking
with Jesus about your desires, your loves, your
pains --your whole life. Christ is our friend.
He knows how to help us.
It's good to have a set time every day when
we can talk with Jesus, even if it's for only
five to ten minutes a day. A priest friend of
ours likes to suggest having three moments of
prayer each day: when you get up in the morning;
at lunch time; and before you go to bed
According to this priest, these moments only
need to be a few minutes long. These set times
of prayer will definitely help you to recognize
that Jesus is with you throughout the day. This
can be a great source of strength when
temptation hits.
There’s a helpful saying about prayer that we
remember hearing. It goes something like this:
"Prayer changes things, and the most important
thing it changes is our hearts." Prayer helps us
to want to do what God wants. Chastity is
certainly God’s will for us.
Not only is it important for us to pray, it's
also very helpful to ask others to pray for us.
When we need the prayers of others (and that's
always!), we seek out the people we know are
closest to Jesus and ask for their prayers. Who
do you know that is close to Jesus? Ask that
person to pray for you in your efforts to
practice your faith and to continue to be
chaste.
The person closest to Jesus in the entire
universe is his Mother, Mary. That is why
Christians for centuries have sought Mary's
prayers. One of the best ways to seek
Mary's prayers is by praying the Rosary
often. The Rosary is based on the main events of
Jesus' and Mary's lives. The Rosary helps us to
meditate on those events so that we can live our
lives more like Jesus and Mary did.
Those who pray the Rosary daily know that
it's powerful. Mary is not only Jesus' Mother,
she's our Mother also. When Jesus was dying on
the cross, he gave his Mother to the Church to
be the Mother of all Christians. To the apostle
John, who represented the Church, Jesus said
from the cross, "Behold, your mother!" (John
19:27). When we go to Mary through the Rosary,
we can be sure that she receives us as her
children. She loves us with a mother’s love.
Like all good mothers, Mary wants us to be
happy. And she knows that where happiness and
life to the full are found, they are found close
to her Son, Jesus. Mary's desire is to lead us
to Jesus and to help us have greater faith and
trust in him.
Mary knows that practicing chastity keeps us
close to Jesus and leads us to happiness. Mary
knows how to practice chastity --she did it her
entire life. She can help us if we ask by humbly
praying the Rosary.
In addition to daily personal prayer and the
Rosary, active participation in the
liturgical prayer of the Church, the Mass, is
vital to practicing the virtue of chastity.
The Mass is the very center of the Christian
life. It's in the Mass that we really meet Jesus
Christ We hear his word and he comes into our
bodies and souls through Holy Communion.
If you heard that Jesus was going to make an
appearance at your parish church on Sunday
morning you'd get out of bed and be there. You
wouldn't want to miss meeting him. Well, the
truth is: Jesus is really going to be there this
Sunday morning. Only he's hidden under the form
of bread and wine. We believe that something
miraculous takes place at every Mass - Jesus is
really present in the Eucharist.
Not only is he present, but he loves us so
much that he wants to come inside of us to make
us one with him. This union with Jesus increases
our love and our desire to please him. This
makes us better able to practice the virtue of
chastity.
Finding a group of Christian friends is one
surefire way to help bolster your faith. All of
us need support from peers who are trying to
live a life of faith. "Sounds great," you may be
saying to yourself, "but where do I find other
Catholic teens who are interested in their
faith?" Your parish's youth group is a good
place to start.
What? Your parish doesn't have a youth group.
You can start one. We would suggest talking to
your pastor about it. One avenue to pursue with
him would be a Life Teen group, of which there
are some three hundred throughout the country.
To find out how to start one, contact Life Teen,
1730 West Guadalupe Road, Mesa, AZ 85202
(telephone 602-820-7001). Incidentally, the
founder received a papal blessing on behalf of
all Life Teen groups.
You may be surprised to know there is a
rapidly growing number of Catholic teens who are
really excited about being Catholic. There is an
alternative youth magazine that many of these
young people are reading that will really be
helpful in connecting you with other Catholic
teens nationwide. It's called YOU! Magazine.
YOU! is an awesome magazine that's put
together largely by teens themselves, which
assures that it's definitely not boring. It
features articles on stuff that you're really
into, like music, movies, and dating
relationships. You'll be surprised by how much
you can learn about your faith by reading it. To
get more information about the publication,
write: YOU! Magazine, 31194 La Baya Drive, Suite
200, Westlake Village, CA 91362 (telephone
818-991-1813).
Virtue No. 2: Hope (With God All Things Are
Possible, Even Chastity)
Hope is directly related to faith and trust
in God. Faith and trust in God makes hope
possible. Hope is the virtue that gives us the
conviction that we are going to make it through
the trials and temptations and remain faithful
to God. We don't place our hope in our own
ability but in God's love for us. Ultimately,
hope leads us to eternal life with God.
Hope means placing our confidence in God.
It's the certainty that God will work out all
our situations for our good --even if the
circumstances aren't pointing that way. We can
have this hope because St. Paul has promised us
"that in everything God works for good with
those who love him" (Romans 8:28). (Cf. CCC
1817-1821.)
We think this truth can be a great help for
those who struggle with the virtue of chastity.
If we do our best to fight temptation, we can be
certain that God will give us the necessary
grace to help us win the battle against our
passions. Yet, sometimes winning the war means
retreating and beginning again through the
sacrament of reconciliation. Hope means not
giving up when we have failed. It's hope that
gives us the certainty of God's mercy and
forgiveness.
When we were dating, it was often very
difficult for us to practice the virtue of
chastity. This became especially difficult after
we realized that we wanted to marry. It seemed
like it would be forever before we could have
sex. It was only through our faith that God knew
what was best, and through the hope that he
would provide us with the strength and help
necessary to do his will, that chastity became a
possibility for us.
One practical way to hope in God is to look
forward to what God has planned for you. God has
something great planned for your life. God is
calling you to a particular state in life. For
most of us that means marriage. For others, it
may mean a call to the priesthood, religious
life, or celibacy (single life) for the sake of
devoting oneself to the kingdom of God. No
matter which of these God has planned for you,
you will want to be able to present yourself
clean and undefiled. Have hope that God is
leading your life to something very good for him
and you.
Have hope (if you're called to marriage) that
God is already preparing your special and unique
spouse for you. In fact, begin praying for that
special spouse right now. If you possess this
hope and prayer, you're less likely to run the
risk of experimenting with your sexuality. If
you are convinced that God will guide you to the
right person, you'll go to extremes to keep your
gift unopened.
Virtue No. 3: Charity (Love Is Patient ...
Love Is Not Self-Seeking ... )
Closely related to the virtues of faith and
hope is charity (love). We throw the word "love"
around a lot these days. We love our dogs, cats,
clothes, shoes, room, boyfriend or girlfriend,
the movie we saw last night, our new CD, and the
local sports hero. In fact, we toss this word
around so much that it almost has no real
meaning for us.
Jesus showed us that we should love some
things more than others. He tells us whom we
should love, in what order we should love them,
and how we should love them. He said: "You shall
love the Lord your God with all your heart, and
with all your soul, and with all your mind. This
is the great and first commandment. And a second
is like it, You shall love your neighbor as
yourself. On these two commandments depend all
the law and the prophets" (Matthew 22:37-40).
(Cf. CCC 1822-1823.)
Love can help us practice the virtue of
chastity: love for God, love for your date, and
love for yourself. All three are necessary for
chastity.
Love of God comes first. We need to
love God more than all things, including our own
pleasure. Love for God often means making
choices that cause us pain and sacrifice. True
love leads us to deny ourselves for the sake of
the greater good of doing what God wants.
Love for God leads us to love others
selflessly, including our boyfriend or
girlfriend. If we are truthful, we know that
love can often be confused with lust and
infatuation. As we just mentioned, "love" is so
overused that we can barely define what it
means. Thankfully, St. Paul tells us what real
charity (love) is all about: "Love is patient
and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is
not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on
its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in
the right. Love bears all things, believes all
things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1
Corinthians 13:4-7).
Do you love your boyfriend or girlfriend? Use
St. Paul's list to discover the truth. Are you
patient? kind? jealous? rude? seeking your own
interests? rejoicing in wrongdoing?
If one engages in sexual activity, such a
person is not practicing true love. Real love
puts the interests of others before one's own
selfish desire for pleasure and good feelings.
Can anyone who takes the chance of subjecting
his or her date to the painful consequences of
premarital sex really be looking out for that
person's best interests?
We can take this a step farther. The person
who is engaging in sexual activity is not loving
himself either. We fail to love ourselves when
we do things that harm ourselves. Failing to
practice chastity is harmful. It makes us less
than God created us to be.
If we truly love God, others, and ourselves,
we will have an easier time (and the proper
motivation) for practicing the virtue of
chastity.
Virtue No. 4: Justice (Stealing: Taking
What's Not Yours)
Pursuing a sexual relationship of any type
with your date is not a loving act. And it's
also very unjust. Justice is concerned with the
rights of each individual. It means treating
others fairly and involves not taking what
rightfully belongs to another person. (Cf. CCC
1807.)
All people have a right to protect their
sexual gift. If they are called to marriage,
then they will one day be able to give it
unopened to their spouse. The person who engages
in sexual behavior with his or her date is
really doing an injustice to that person. He or
she is taking something that really doesn't
belong to him or her. This is true even if the
date wants to give it away! This gift is meant
to be given only to one's lifelong spouse or to
be consecrated to God through celibacy for the
sake of his kingdom. It's not only unfair to the
date, it's unfair to the future spouse and God
as well.
There is another aspect of this virtue of
justice that can help us to live chastely. All
of us have responsibilities that we must
fulfill. If we don't do them well, we are not
acting justly.
For example, as a high-school student, you
have the responsibility to study hard. If you
just do what you must to get it out of the way,
you are not doing justice to your teacher,
yourself, your parents, or God. If you play a
musical instrument or a sport, you need to
practice well. When we fulfill our
responsibilities well, we are acting in a just
way.
How does this help with chastity? Believe it
or not, it is directly related. The better we
work (that is, the more concentration we give
our studies or the harder we practice), the less
likely we will be to fall into sexual sin.
Why? We are more focused. We don't let our
minds wander. And we have a lot less time on our
hands.
In addition, when we do things well (with all
our energy) we are building our self-esteem. And
those who think highly of themselves are less
likely to be influenced by peer pressure and the
mob mentality. Those with high self-esteem don't
need to seek acceptance and love through sexual
activity.
When we work well, we are practicing the
virtue of justice. This virtue helps us to
develop the virtue of chastity by keeping us
focused on what we should be doing and by
keeping us from taking what is not ours.
Virtue No. 5: Prudence (A Little
Common-Sense Wisdom)
Prudence is the virtue that helps us to
determine what things are good and what things
are not so good. What kinds of behaviors are
wise? What behaviors are not? (Cf. CCC 1806.)
JIJO: Junk In, Junk Out. One of the
first things we were taught in our freshman
computer course was the cute little acronym
JIJO: "Junk In, Junk Out." The computer teacher
was trying to show us that a computer could only
perform its tasks if we entered the right
information (passwords, commands, etc.). If we
put in "junk" (the wrong passwords and
commands), we'd never get our programs to work.
JIJO is very important to remember if we want
to practice the virtue of chastity. If we allow
junk to enter our hearts and minds through our
eyes and ears, we can be certain that it will
result in greater difficulty in controlling our
sexual passions.
What kind of movies do you watch? How about
the music you listen to? Or the magazines you
read? If they are promoting sexual activity or
depicting it in any way, don't let it in. One
can't watch, listen to, and read sexual junk and
hope to remain chaste. It's just not possible.
Anyone with a little wisdom or prudence knows
that if we fill our minds with junk, we'll live
trashy lives.
One of Keith's buddies had a little brother
who would do just about anything anyone dared
him to do. A bunch of the older guys talked him
into stealing pornographic magazines from the
local convenience store. After he stole the
magazines, he reluctantly turned them over to
his older brother and his friends who hid them
away for future viewing.
This might seem cool to some. But the
long-range effects of doing this prank were very
harmful. Those magazines led to lust and to the
loss of respect for women. You can be certain
that the guys who looked at those magazines had
a greater struggle with purity than those who
didn't have this experience.
Pornography is seriously harmful and
seriously sinful. It pollutes our minds and
makes us slaves to our passions. Pornography
makes us slaves because it's addictive --in much
the same way that drugs and alcohol are
addictive.
Pornography includes not only magazines such
as Playboy and Penthouse but all materials that
are sexually explicit. Some R-rated and PG-13
movies are pornographic. Even if they don't show
it all, if they guide our imaginations to dwell
on things that aren't conducive to chastity,
they're still pornographic.
Music can be pornographic as well. Take the
time to listen to the words the next time you
flip on the radio. Think to yourself: "What is
this song saying about sexuality? Does it take
God's perspective or the world's?" If it's bad,
turn it off.
The magazines that are at the ends of your
grocery-store checkout lines can often lead to
sexual sin. Cosmopolitan always has a very
seductive picture on the cover. Seventeen, YX
and Sassy often promote sex before marriage. If
you read that stuff, it may lead you away from
what God has clearly taught about sex.
Some may object: "Can all this stuff really
affect us?" Of course, it can and does. Ask Ted
Bundy. "Who's Ted Bundy?" Ted Bundy was
responsible for the sexual assault and brutal
murders of over twenty women. In a videotaped
interview with psychologist Dr. James Dobson on
the day before Bundy was executed, the convicted
serial killer revealed that he was addicted to
pornography. He talked about how his appetite
for pornography increased. Like a drug addict,
he needed more and harder-core pornography to
satisfy him. He related how the pornography
wouldn't do anymore. He had to act it out.
Ted Bundy is an extreme case. But it
illustrates that JIJO is very real --Junk In,
Junk Out. Prudence leads us to carefully screen
what we let into our hearts and minds. Chastity
is impossible without this kind of wisdom.
Make a Fashion Statement, Not a Sinner.
Another way the virtue of prudence can help us
to practice chastity relates to the clothing we
wear. Girls especially need to be careful in
this area. Common sense tells us that dressing
in a way that is meant to turn a guy on sexually
is not consistent with trying to live chastely.
Don't get us wrong --we're not saying that
you need to dress like an old lady either. (Our
apologies to all the grandmothers out there.)
Dress fashionably and nice, but your pants and
blouse don't have to look like they're painted
on. And your skirt and shorts shouldn't be so
high that you can catch a cold. Don't advertise
what's not available! As we said a few chapters
back, guys are turned on by the smallest things.
Don't give them an opportunity to sin because of
the way you are dressing.
If you dress to stir up hormones, don't be
surprised if your date expects you to put out
sexually. Everything about you, including the
way you dress, should indicate that you desire
to practice the virtue of chastity.
TFD: Trouble-Free Dating. Finally, the
virtue of prudence leads the person who desires
to be chaste to practice what we call
"trouble-free dating" (TFD).
If you've ever been on a diet, you know it's
much easier to stick to it when you aren't
tempted by having your favorite kind of junk
food at hand. Suppose your favorite junk food
was hot-fudge sundaes. It would make very little
sense for you to go with your friends to the
local ice-cream parlor when you were screaming
hungry if you hoped to stick to your diet. Some
of us have great willpower, but under those
circumstances it would be hard for anyone to
resist. The old saying "Out of sight, out of
mind (and belly)" works best when dieting.
TFD is based upon the same principle. It's
much easier to stay chaste on certain types of
dates than it is on other kinds of dates. You
know what we mean.
One-on-one dating with lots of time alone in
a dark place spells big trouble. What teenager
could resist in a situation like that? We
certainly couldn't. The key is not letting our
dates get us into hard-to-resist situations.
The most trouble-free dates are those that
involve group dating --several couples going out
together. Dating with other couples can be a
blast, and there's the added bonus of being with
your other friends as well. In addition, you
really get to see what your date is like as a
person in this type of group situation.
If you like to go out with your date alone
(who doesn't?), then pick "safe" places to go:
restaurants, miniature golf, baseball games,
bowling, ice skating, the zoo, skiing, etc. You
get the idea.
It's best to avoid dates with no destination
in mind. "I'll pick you up at 8:00 P.m. and
we'll hang out" is more likely going to lead to
an opportunity for unchastity than a date with a
clear plan. Obviously, staying away from
drive-ins, parties with alcohol, make-out
par-ties, and going to your date's home or your
own home when parents are not home goes a long
way to maintaining chastity.
Virtue No. 6: Self-Control
This virtue is difficult for a lot of us.
We're so used to instantly satisfying our every
desire that the thought of denying ourselves
seems foreign to us.
But anyone who is successful in life knows
how valuable self-control is. Without some
degree of self-control, success in school, in
sports, and in your job is nearly impossible.
Many of us have known a person who has what
seems like unlimited natural talent, yet doesn't
accomplish much. Sometimes the reason these
people fail is because they didn't learn how to
practice the self-control it takes to develop
their natural ability.
It doesn't take much thought to realize that
self-control is important for practicing
chastity. There are a number of practical ways
this virtue can help. (Cf. CCC 1809.)
Controlling the Imagination. What do
we let ourselves think about? It's true that
often the abuse of our sexual gift begins in our
minds. We may see a person we are particularly
attracted to and our minds begin to think about
things that are not good. If we want to protect
our sexual gift, we need to struggle to put an
end to these kinds of thoughts.
This may be the most difficult aspect of
sexual purity because nobody else can see us
thinking. It's totally private.
It's true there's nothing wrong with being
sexually attracted to someone. As we said
earlier in the book, attraction is normal and
healthy. It becomes a problem when we turn that
attraction into lust. Sexual attraction becomes
lust when we dwell upon the other person's body
and imagine acts that we want to do with that
individual.
Lust is wrong because it treats others as
objects for our own selfish pleasure. Lust
degrades others. Jesus made it very clear that
lust is a sin by pointing out that "Every one
who looks at a woman lustfully has already
committed adultery with her in his heart"
(Matthew 5:28). If we don't control our
imaginations, they will lead us to breaking the
Sixth Commandment in our hearts.
Lustful thoughts are inconsistent with living
a life of chastity. We need to control them
before they control us. Can't you now see the
wisdom of protecting what we allow our eyes to
see and ears to hear? Those who allow themselves
to experience sexually stimulating material will
have a much more difficult time controlling
their imaginations.
There's another reason for getting our
thoughts under control: Lustful thoughts lead to
lustful actions. In the story of David and
Bathsheba (Chapter 6), do you recall what got
David's trouble started in the first place? He
made the unwise decision to look at Bathsheba
while she was taking a bath. He then lost
control of his imagination. David lusted after
her. And finally, he couldn't stand it any
longer, so he had her brought to him so that he
could have sex with her.
There's a progression to David's sexual sin:
First, he let the junk in (by looking at
Bathsheba, who was not his wife, taking a bath);
second, he lusted; third, he acted upon it. Many
of our sexual sins progress this same way. A
little self-control of the mind could have
prevented a lot of trouble for David -just as it
can for us.
Self-Control? Or Self-Abuse
(Masturbation)? Uncontrolled sexual thoughts
can lead to masturbation, which is a serious, or
mortal, sin against chastity. The Catechism
of the Catholic Church defines masturbation
as "the deliberate stimulation of the genital
organs in order to derive sexual pleasure" (No.
2352). Masturbation has been called the sin of
self-abuse with good reason.
But some may wonder, "How do I handle that
intense sexual desire that I sometimes feel?
This feeling is not something I'm imagining.
This is real. Isn't it just easier to release it
by masturbating? I'm like really suffering."
It probably is easier, but just because
something is easier doesn't make it right.
Masturbation is not right, no matter how much
relief it may bring. It's a selfish act --a sign
that you are only thinking of yourself.
If masturbation is not the answer, then how
does one handle this kind of pressure?
We've already partially answered this
question. Answer: JIJO and self-control. Be wise
with what you let into your mind and develop the
self-control to put an end to unchaste thoughts
before they get out of control. If you make a
serious effort to do this, you'll significantly
reduce the temptations you face.
Yet, we realize that even if you are making a
serious effort, there can still be times of
intense sexual temptations. What can you do
then?
On the natural side of things, when you feel
this type of temptation approaching, one of the
best things you can do is to divert attention to
some other interest. Maybe it's just a matter of
focusing attention back on what you were
supposed to be doing before your mind wandered
off from homework or household chores.
Do you like sports or music? It could be a
good time to turn on the game, go for a run, or
throw in a CD. Just do anything you can to
create a diversion from the struggle you are
facing.
The saints knew how to distract their
attention from the sexual pressure they were
facing. "St. Francis of Assisi rolled in the
snow, St. Benedict threw himself into a
thornbush, St. Bernard jumped into an icy pond"
(The Way, Blessed Josemaria Escriva,
Scepter Press). Maybe a cold shower isn't such a
bad idea after all?
On the supernatural side of things, remember
that you are always in the presence of God, who
is always with you and wants to help you
practice chastity. All you have to do is
sincerely ask him for help. In fact, God made a
promise to help you. Listen to what the apostle
Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, wrote: "No
trial has come to you but what is human. God is
faithful and will not let you be tried beyond
your strength; but with the trial he will
also provide a way out, so that you may be
able to bear it" (I Corinthians 10: 13; emphasis
added; NAB).
God "will also provide a way out." Ask
him. Trust him. Listen to him. Be obedient to
him. If you do, in time, the temptation to
impurity will cease or get easier and easier to
overcome.
It can also be very helpful to go to Mary for
help. Try saying three Hail Mary's for help in
resisting sexual temptation. Next time you find
yourself in this situation, try it. You'll be
surprised. It works! Mary really wants to help
you.
Peer Pressure (Other-Controlled).
Keith had a recent high-school graduate, Katie,
approach him with a serious problem. Her
boyfriend was trying to move their relationship
along sexually. Katie resisted at first, but she
admitted that it was getting more difficult. She
wanted to please this guy. She thought she might
be in love with him, and she was afraid she
might lose him if she didn't give him what he
wanted. What should she do?
Practicing chastity means making every effort
to resist being controlled by others. Katie's
situation is not unusual. Should she give up
self-control for infatuation, romance, fear, or
even possibly love? Not if she wants to practice
chastity. If Katie's boyfriend really loved her,
he wouldn't pressure her. If he loved her, he
would seek to protect her chastity, not violate
it. The person who pressures you to proceed
sexually is not worth dating.
What should Katie do in this situation? Katie
needs to talk seriously with her boyfriend. She
must convince him that she wants their
relationship to work --but not at any cost. The
relationship can be continued only if her
boyfriend agrees that they should make every
effort to practice chastity. If her boyfriend
can't accept this, Katie should dump him.
In any serious dating relationship, both
partners must desire to be chaste. Couples can
help each other grow in self-control. It would
be impossible to have a good dating relationship
with only one person striving to be chaste.
In addition to feeling sexual pressure from
dates, we can get it from friends as well.
"You're the only virgin left in the school";
"Loosen up"; "Live a little." Comments like
these can hurt, but don't give in. Jealousy and
envy could possibly be your friends' motives.
Misery loves company --so do sinners. If we can
drag other people into the same wrong behavior
we are doing, somehow this makes us feel better.
Value your sexual gift. To give in is to
surrender self-control to being controlled by
others. And without self-control, the virtue of
chastity is impossible.
Virtue No. 7: Fortitude, or Toughness (Are
You Tough Enough?)
A friend of ours ran in the 1994 Pittsburgh
Marathon. It was his first (and possibly last)
marathon. He described this twenty-six-mile run
as the greatest test of endurance and toughness
he had ever experienced. He recalled that the
last six miles were particularly grueling. He
wanted to stop many times but didn't. Our friend
displayed great toughness in finishing the race
despite great pains wracking his body. (Cf. CCC
1808.)
Practicing the virtue of chastity in the
1990s demands a similar toughness.
We're sure it's obvious to you that we don't
live in a culture that values chastity. Those
who try to live chastely are characterized as
old-fashioned and prudish. Besides this, we are
confronted (even if we are careful) with
sexually stimulating material daily. If chastity
is going to succeed, we've got to develop the
virtue of fortitude (or toughness).
Christians are sometimes viewed as wimpy
people who need God to bail them out. "Chastity
is for the wimps and the ugly, not for the jocks
and the handsome" seems to be the sentiment of
some. This view is totally false.
The opposite is true. The wimps are the ones
who cave in to pressure from dates, friends, and
society. It's much easier to go with the flow
and do what your friends are doing.
It would have been much easier for our friend
to stop running when he was exhausted. It wasn't
like he was winning (or even close to winning).
It's only because he believed in what he was
doing and had developed the toughness to run
when he was dead tired that he was able to
finish the marathon.
Believe in the virtue of chastity. It's worth
the fight. What's needed is the toughness to
fight the temptations when they are strong.
Beginning Again and Again and Again
... Tough people get back up when they fall.
Wimps give up when they fail. They think it's
useless to fight and start again. The virtue of
chastity demands the toughness that leads us to
begin again when we fall.
At particular times in our lives, we may find
that we need to begin again (and again and
again) through the sacrament of reconciliation.
God welcomes us back each time and gives us new
strength to battle temptation again.
Anyone who continues to fight even after
losing some of the battles will ultimately win
--with new power and life from reconciliation.
There is a fantastic true sports story that
illustrates the courageous value of toughness.
This is how youth minister Duffy Robbins related
what happened, in Going the Distance:
Longtime viewers of ABC TVs Wide World of
Sports still remember one of the most dramatic
moments in that show's 30-year broadcast
history. It was during the 1973 Ironman and
Ironwoman Triathlon in Hawaii (a 148-mile
swim-bike-run event that challenges even the
world's best triathletes), when 23-year-old
Julie Moss had a dramatic finish.
The spectacle unfolded as Julie staggered
her way through the last several hundred feet of
the race. It was obvious almost immediately that
she was in trouble. The closer she got to the
finish line, the clearer it was that she was in
pain. More stumbling than running, Julie pushed
herself all the way down to the last hundred or
so steps until, all of a sudden, she just
collapsed about 60 feet from the finish line.
The crowd, hushed by the drama on the
street in front of them, watched with a mixture
of fear and hope. Some shouted words of
encouragement. Others gasped as she hit the hot
pavement. For long moments, the camera simply
watched as Julie Moss heaved on the pavement,
gasping for air. Her hands inched forward,
clawing at the asphalt.
Finally, after long, agonizing minutes,
she once again staggered to her feet, stumbled
several more steps ... and then collapsed again
in a heap, just a few feet from the finish line.
The expression of pain on her face was
unmistakable. The crowd could feel her agony.
After a few moments, she mustered up the
strength to stand again, only to stagger a few
steps more before she fell one more time. It
happened three times. Julie Moss would
half-stand, stagger, stumble, and then collapse
again on the pavement.
The last time she fell, it looked as if
she might not rise again. Even the announcers
didn't speak as viewers watched this drama,
almost sensing that the only appropriate
response in the face of such a singular struggle
was a kind of reverence. When Julie's trainer
ran out to help her, she made one feeble gesture
with her hand to flag him away, fearing that if
he touched her in any way she would be
disqualified from the race.
Finally, in a last incredible triumph of
sheer guts and single-minded determination,
23-year-old Julie Moss got to her feet,
half-walked, half-crawled, and crossed the
finish line to the thunderous cheers of the
crowd. It was an incredible moment.
Ultimately, what really made the race
remarkable that day was not the fact that the
course was completed in record time, or even who
finished first and emerged victorious. What
really awed everyone that day was that one
person was single-mindedly determined to go the
distance, no matter what.
Julie Moss was tough enough to get up again
and again to go the distance. Those of us who
desire to practice the virtue of chastity need
to imitate her toughness and determination. |
