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by Keith & Tami Kiser
Sex: Good or Bad?
The June 15, 1994, issue of USA Today carried
an incredible story about a very large group of
courageous teenagers. At a Southern Baptist
Convention, 103,000 teenagers signed cards
pledging to save sex for marriage. The signing
of the pledge cards was part of a year-long
campaign called True Love Waits. Julie Putnam, a
seventeen-year-old girl, explained what signing
the chastity card meant to her: "It's a
commitment to God-and also to my future
spouse--to keep myself pure until I get
married."
According to the newspaper article, not
everyone was excited about this program. One
member of the American Civil Liberties Union's
Reproductive Freedom Project, Eduardo Capulong,
called the chastity pledges "misguided." His
reason? "It comes from the position that sex
is bad."
Unfortunately, many people think like this
man when it comes to God and sex. Because the
Bible and the Catholic Church teach that sex is
only for married couples, these people assume
that God must view sex as something bad, dirty,
and even sinful. A recent survey has shown that
nearly eight out of ten teenagers think that God
has a negative view of sex.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
God Created It, Commanded It, Evaluated It
The truth is --God sees sex as a wonderful
gift. God doesn't waste any time telling us what
he thinks about sex. (He knows sex is a hot
topic with us humans!) In the first few chapters
of the Bible, three things are very clear:
1. God created sex.
2. God commanded Adam and Eve to "do it."
3. God even evaluated it (no kidding).
Let's take a look at what we mean.
As we mentioned in the last chapter, God made
humans sexual beings. The Book of Genesis
records that God made a male-sex person and a
female-sex person. We know them as Adam and Eve.
It was God's intention that Adam and Eve would
develop a relationship and live as companions.
In fact, this relationship between the man
and the woman was intended to be very intimate
and even sexual. Here's how Genesis describes
the creation of woman and her intimate union
with the man: "Then the Lord God said, 'It is
not good that the man should be alone; I will
make him a helper fit for him.' . . . So the
Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the
man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and
closed up its place with flesh; and the rib
which the Lord God had taken from the man he
made into a woman and brought her to the man.
Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my
bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called
Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’
Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother
and cleaves to his wife, and they become one
flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked,
and were not ashamed" (Genesis 2:18, 21-25).
Did you notice that the man and the woman
were created with a sexual relationship as a
part of God's plan for them? The language is
fairly explicit. The man and his wife "cling" to
one another and become "one body." And they were
naked, "yet they felt no shame."
Isn't this a beautiful passage about marital,
sexual love? Is God frowning upon this union? No
way. He created it.
This brings us to the second thing we can see
about God's view of sex. God actually gave Adam
and Eve a command to have sex. Really --he
ordered them to "be fruitful and multiply." We
all know where babies come from. So we realize
that God is telling Adam and Eve to have sex.
Does God ever command us to do anything bad,
dirty or sinful? No way. When God is commanding
Adam and Eve to have children through sexual
intercourse, he is ordering them to do something
very good.
So that there can be no doubt in anyone's
mind, God evaluates the sexual union he has
asked Adam and Eve to undertake. "You mean to
tell me, God watched them?" Of course. He sees
everything we do.
You may remember from reading the creation
story that God evaluated each part of his
creation after he made it. For example, after
making the sun, moon, and stars on the fourth
day, God evaluated his work. "And God saw that
it was good. And there was evening and there was
morning, a fourth day" (Genesis 1: 18-19).
This same evaluation is found for the first
five days of creation. In each of these days God
looked at what he made and "God saw that it was
good." When we come to the sixth day, we notice
a small but significant difference in God's
evaluation. Remember that the sixth day was when
God created the man and woman and commanded them
to have sex.
On this day, "... God saw everything that he
had made, and, behold, it was very good"
(Genesis 1: 3 1; emphasis added). Adam and Eve
couldn't have agreed more! Sexual intercourse
between a man and his wife is indeed very good,
according to God.
A Very Good Gift (That's Holy, Too!)
It's our conviction (and the Catholic
Church's solid teaching) that your sexuality is
a very good gift from God. The Book of Genesis
doesn't contain the only Bible passages that
speak about sex in this way. In the Letter to
the Hebrews, St. Paul goes so far as to imply
that sex is holy. In Hebrews 13:4 we
read, "Let marriage be held in honor among all,
and let the marriage bed be undefiled;
for God will judge the immoral and adulterous"
(emphasis added). Now only those things that are
holy can become defiled. If sex can become
defiled, then St. Paul must be saying that sex
(the marriage bed) is holy.
Can there be a higher view of sex than this?
No. We are convinced that the Church's view of
sex is superior to that of all others. Of
course, this is what anyone would expect from
the truth.
There's another book of the Bible that
devotes much of its attention to celebrating
marital, sexual love. That book is called the
Song of Solomon (also Canticle of Canticles or
Song of Songs).
In this poetic book, the newly married
spouses take turns describing their affection
for each other. For example, in the fourth
chapter the husband describes with metaphorical
detail the pleasure he takes in his new wife's
body. He tells how lovely her eyes, hair, teeth,
lips, mouth, neck, and breasts are. After
surveying her beauty, the new husband concludes:
"Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold, you
are beautiful! / ... / You are all fair, my
love; there is no flaw in you" (Song of Solomon
4:1, 7).
A few verses later he describes a kiss from
his beloved new wife:
You have ravished my heart, my sister, my
bride,
you have ravished my heart with a glance of your
eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.
How sweet is your love, my sister, my bride!
how much better is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!
Your lips distil nectar, my bride;
honey and milk are under your tongue;
--Song of Solomon 4:9-11
Are you blushing yet? Yes, this is in the
Bible! Does this surprise you? Can you believe
it? We can.
The Bible celebrates marital, sexual
love.
Reserved for Marriage Only
You may have noticed that the Bible passages
we just looked at spoke about the very good gift
of sexual love in the context of marriage.
Genesis highlighted that Adam and Eve were
husband and wife; the reading from Hebrews
indicated that it was the "marriage bed" that
was to be kept holy; and in the Song of Solomon
it is the newly married husband that describes
his wife's beauty. Indeed the Catholic Church
has always understood the Bible to teach that
sexual love is reserved for marriage only. (Cf.
CCC 2350, 2353.)
In the remainder of this chapter we want to
ask two related questions. Why does God see sex
as a wonderful gift? And why does God reserve
sex for marriage only?
What's the Big Deal About Sex, Anyway?
What is it about sex that makes God think
it's "very good"? The best way to answer this is
to look at why God created sexual intercourse in
the first place. As we mentioned in the last
chapter, God didn't need to make us sexual
persons if he didn't want to. What purpose could
God have in mind for sexual intercourse?
The Catholic Church has recognized that there
are two purposes of sex. In technical language,
the Church calls them the unitive and
procreative ends of marriage. In more
understandable terms, sex is intended to help
unite two people in a lifelong marital bond, and
it's designed by God to bring children into the
world through this bond (procreation) -- Simply
put, sex is both life-uniting and life-giving.
(Cf. CCC 2363.)
Sex Is Life-Uniting
Sex has a powerful way of uniting two people
unlike any other human action. We mentioned in
the Introduction to this book that we had dated
seriously for seven years before marriage.
During the course of that dating relationship,
we were best friends.
We saw each other nearly every day. We talked
constantly. We spent time at each other's home.
We went to the same high school and college.
Let's just say that by the time of our marriage
we knew each other very well and thought of
ourselves as closely united. Our friends
couldn't even speak about one of us without
mentioning the other.
But we must admit our honeymoon had a
profound effect upon our relationship. After
having intercourse for the first time, our unity
was established in a new and profound way. That
first night of our honeymoon had created bonds
that seven years of dating didn't come close to
establishing. We're not exaggerating!
We had now experienced what Jesus meant when
he said that the two shall become "one flesh."
We'll never forget what we said to each other on
that first night of our marriage. We mentioned
that we couldn't believe that people just do
this casually with different partners.
The Hebrew word for sexual intercourse
appropriately describes the profound unity
created by sex. When the Bible speaks about
sexual intercourse, the literal Hebrew term it
uses for the sex act is "to know." For example,
the phrase "Adam had relations with his wife" is
literally (in the original Hebrew) "Adam knew
Eve."
We think that this is a great way to describe
the life-uniting bond that sex creates. There is
no more intimate "knowing" possible. Not only do
you bare your body, but you also bare your
emotions and your soul. In sexual intercourse,
you give yourself completely to your mate and
become one with him or her.
Pope John Paul II in his 1994 "Letter to
Families" stressed that marital love is a
self-giving love. He encouraged spouses to give
themselves totally to one another out of
selfless love.
Sexual intercourse is at the service of this
kind of total self-giving. The sex act itself is
both a sign and the physical demonstration of
this total self-giving.
When couples marry, they give a gift to each
other: They give themselves. It's a total gift.
Next time you are at a Catholic wedding, pay
close attention to the vows. What is each
partner pledging to give to the other? One's
total self.
Sexual intercourse is intended to strengthen
that unity and to help make it a reality. Can't
you see how beautiful this kind of self-giving
love is? And how wonderful and powerful sexual
intercourse is in the service of this kind of
love? We can.
Can you also begin to see how sex used out of
this marital context of total self-giving love
is really a lie? The sex act is saying, "I give
myself to you totally and I completely bind
myself to you for life." But this kind of gift
is not possible for those who are not married.
Sex Is Life-Giving
Not only is sex life-uniting, but it's also
life-giving. We have a friend who is fond of
saying that the marital union created by sex is
so real, and the love so profound, that in nine
months you have to give it a name!
With all the talk about condoms these days,
it's difficult to imagine that sexual
intercourse is actually designed for the making
of babies. But why do you think condoms are used
in the first place? They are used because we all
know that sexual intercourse makes babies.
Think about it for a second. A couple who
engages in sexual activity actually has the
ability to create a new human life. This new
child possesses a soul that will live forever.
Sex is very powerful indeed.
When spouses bring a new life into the world,
they are acting in a Godlike way. Only God can
bring a new human life into being, but he has
shared this ability with couples. Some
theologians have even concluded that having a
baby is the most divine action humans can
perform.
It blows us away when we stop to think that
Nathaniel, David, Emily, Seth, Michael, and John
Paul Kiser would not exist if it weren't for us.
God has given us a powerful gift in sexual
intercourse.
We joked in the last chapter about how
"messy" and painful childbirth is. All joking
aside, the experience of holding your first
child for the first time is incomparable. With
tears streaming down our faces, we marveled over
this little creation of our love. We couldn't
believe that our love had actually made this
little guy.
It's a shame, but because so much attention
these days is placed on physical pleasure gained
from sexual intercourse, many are missing the
best part of sex: Sex is designed to make
babies. God not only wanted Adam and Eve to
become "one flesh," he also told them to be
"fruitful and multiply." He wants the same from
married couples today.
Consider our bodies, whose sexual organs are
intended to aid in the creating of new life. God
made the sexual organs reproductive organs. The
sexual organs were not made solely for the
pleasure of sexual intercourse.
Despite what we see on the tube or hear on
the radio, sex is not a cheap plaything intended
for sexual pleasure. Sex is pleasurable, but
it's also much, much more. Sex is a sacred power
that brings new life into the world.
Because of this sacred power to create new
human life, sex is only right in the context of
marriage. Sex is moral only in marriage, because
marriage is the only context for making babies.
Let's face it: Children need the love and
nurture that only a mother and a father in a
loving marriage can give.
The Twain Shall Never Part
We have already hinted at why God wants us to
use sex only in marriage. But let's take a
closer look at how the Church explains this.
The Catholic Church (remember, the Church is
guided by the Holy Spirit) teaches that for any
sexual act to be moral, both the life-uniting
and life-giving elements must be present.
Now what does this mean?
Well, it's fairly simple. First of all, only
those who have entered into the life-uniting
bond of marriage can engage in sexual activity.
(Keep in mind that sex has the effect of
bringing this union about.) All sex outside of
marriage violates this first part. It's simply
not moral and less than totally human.
But there's more. The sexual act must also be
open to new life. In other words, married
couples who have sex must not intentionally try
to prevent a pregnancy from occurring as a
result of their act of intercourse. Each sex act
must remain open to life.
There's a lot more to be said about this, but
we're going to keep you in suspense until you
get to our chapter on marriage.
God Is Very Serious About Sexual Sin
So far in this chapter we have tried to show
you that your sexuality is a very good gift from
God. In fact, it's even holy. As we've seen, God
considers this gift very good because it's
incredibly powerful. It has the power of
intimately uniting two people and the divine
power of bringing new life into the world.
Precisely because of its goodness, holiness,
and great power, God takes sexual sin seriously.
In fact, as far as God is concerned, sexual sin
is downright deadly. In other words, sexual sins
are grave and the stuff of mortal sin ("mortal"
means deadly). (Cf. CCC 239 1.)
What do sexual sins kill? They kill God's
life within us. They kill that supernatural life
which God has given to us in baptism.
Ultimately, mortal sins separate us from God and
make us unfit for heaven. In addition, they lead
to unhappiness in this world.
We know this, simply because St. Paul has
told us this in a few of his letters. For
example, St. Paul says that those who commit
sexually immoral acts are not fit for the
kingdom of heaven (see I Corinthians 6:9-10).
We'll say more about this verse in the next
chapter and explain later what factors must be
involved for one to commit a mortal sin. But the
important point to be made here is that God
doesn't take sexual sin lightly. Keep in mind
that sexual sins are serious --not because God
thinks that sex is bad, dirty, or sinful. No.
It's just the opposite. Sexual sins are serious
and spiritually deadly precisely because God
thinks that sex is very good, powerful, and
holy. Therefore, sex needs to be protected.
Our Junky Van Versus John's Red Sports Car
Our minivan has become quite a popular item
with our youth group. Not because it's nice or
new. No, actually, it's old (more than ten years
old) and rather junky. What can we say? We have
a large family and not much money. So we have an
old van.
Like any older car, our van has a "few"
quirks that make it an adventure for us to
travel anywhere. The electric window on the
driver's side doesn't go down and the window on
the passenger side doesn't stay up. The
passenger door will not open, making it
necessary to enter the front passenger seat of
the van through the sliding door. This can be a
real pain because the sliding door gets stuck
and doesn't open without being bumped from the
inside.
On top of all this, the cassette player
sometimes eats tapes. And every once in a while
it will not eject them --one kid's Billy Joel
tape was stuck for days. We had to pry it loose.
In the process we broke the radio.
Oh, yeah, we should mention that at speeds
over fifty-five miles per hour, the van shakes
and shimmies. It has also been known to stall at
that speed because of a carburetor problem. Out
of mercy for the manufacturer we're not going to
tell you what make or model it is. After all, it
has over one hundred thousand miles on it and,
knock on wood, it's still running.
Needless to say, we don't value our van very
much. Would you? We don't even lock it at night.
(Anyway, who could break into these doors?) Yet,
we live in a neighborhood with a very high
stolen-car rate. Our neighbors have had both
their cars stolen over a six-month period.
Because our van is not very valuable to us,
we make very little effort to protect it.
On the other hand, John Casella, one of the
adult volunteers for our youth group, has a
brand-new red two-seat Toyota sports car. This
car is sweet. It has an expensive stereo with a
CD player that holds six disks. The speakers are
awesome. And the ride is smooth and low to the
ground.
Unlike us, John takes great care of his car.
He washes and waxes it frequently. It's always
shiny and clean.
Now, John lives in the neighborhood with the
second largest stolen-car rate in the country.
John always locks his car. And he keeps it in
his locked garage overnight. On top of that he
had an alarm system installed --you know, one of
those systems that triggers, if you so much as
sneeze on it, a siren that would break your
eardrums.
Now which car do you think the kids in our
youth group would like to drive? No contest.
John's. If you could choose either car for your
own, which would you pick? The junky van or the
red Toyota?
How Much Do You Value Your Sexuality?
The preceding is a very important question
--because how much you value something usually
determines the way you take care of it.
Do you value your sexuality as much as John
values his car? Do you see your sexuality as a
very precious possession? Do you recognize that
it's a very good gift given to you by God? Do
you view your sexuality as something holy?
If you do, like John with his car, you will
go to every extreme possible to protect your
sexuality from misuse and harm. You will cherish
your sexuality and make every effort to keep
your gift "clean" so that you can give it to
your future spouse.
Or do you value your sexuality the way we do
our van? Do you view it as something cheap and
rather worthless? Do you see your sexuality as
only a means to a good time on Friday night?
If you view your sexuality this way, you will
leave it unprotected, as we do our van. Your
sexuality will become easy prey to misuse and
abuse. No effort will be made to keep it only
for your future spouse.
The choice is yours.
Conclusion
We have tried to demonstrate that your
sexuality is a very good gift from God. In fact,
your sexuality is precious. We plead with you to
treat it like John does his car --certainly not
like we treat our van.
We guarantee that if you use your sexuality
according to God's will, you won't be
disappointed. Sure, it will be difficult at
times --but the rewards far exceed any
short-term struggle and sacrifice you might have
to endure.
Unfortunately, if you should choose to treat
your sexuality badly and use it in immoral ways,
there are consequences of abusing this very good
gift. The next chapter will examine some of
those consequences. |