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by Keith & Tami Kiser
You are the future of family life.
You are the future of the joy of loving.
You are the future of making your life
something beautiful for God ...
a pure love.
That you love a girl
or that you love a boy
is beautiful,
but don't spoil it,
don't destroy it.
Keep it pure.
Keep your heart virgin.
Keep your love virgin,
so that on the day of your marriage
you can give something
beautiful to each other ...
the joy of a pure love.
-- Mother Teresa of Calcutta, to young people (as
quoted in YOU! Magazine, May 1992)
What Am I Going to Do with My Life?
This is an important question that is often difficult
for high-school students to answer. Finding your niche
in the world can be quite confusing and frightening
these days.
But don't sweat it, because God is in control. One
thing you can be certain of is that God wants your life
to be something beautiful for him. And the most
beautiful thing anyone can do is to seek to live and
love like Jesus did.
Regardless of which career you choose, or whether you
marry or remain single, God is asking you to pursue
holiness above anything else. Holiness is the vocation
of every person. God wants each one of us to become a
saint. Saints are normal people who strive to always do
what God wants, no matter what the consequences are.
Married or Single?
Which does God want for you? God calls many to
marriage, while others he wants to be single so that
they can devote themselves wholeheartedly to Christ and
his Church.
The rest of this chapter is about serving God through
marriage, but we need to consider what the single life
is all about before we move on.
It's a fact -- God doesn't want some people to get
married. To these individuals he has given the special
gift of celibacy, which is simply the lifelong state of
being unmarried. God gives this gift to some in order
that they can do his work with a single-minded devotion.
Some celibate people are called to the priesthood and
the religious life, while others remain laypersons who
work in ordinary jobs.
As we will see in this chapter, marriage (or
matrimony) is a great sacrament as well as a demanding
path to holiness; but celibacy for the sake of the
kingdom of God is a higher calling. Service to the
Church through the celibate state is a great ideal that
should be held in high esteem.
In a book of this nature it is necessary to point out
that those who embrace celibacy do not deny their gift
of sexuality. On the contrary, they affirm it by giving
it to God. Men and women give their respective
masculinity and femininity to the service of the Church.
In marriage, couples honor God by giving a total gift
of themselves to each other. In celibacy, individuals
give a total gift of themselves to Christ and his
Church.
The Church is in need of those who recognize the call
of God to celibacy to courageously embrace that gift.
The Church needs modern-day apostles who are willing to
give up the goods of marriage and family for the sake of
working for the kingdom of God.
But the Church is also in need of good Catholic
marriages. The important thing to remember is that no
matter which state God calls you to (marriage or
celibacy), the ultimate goal is your holiness.
Let's now turn to God's understanding of holiness
through marriage.
Marriage: Does It Work Anymore?
Mother Teresa got it exactly right. Marital love is
something beautiful. Two people sharing themselves
totally and unselfishly for a lifetime -- not many
things on this earth are better than this. One thing
that possibly rivals the expression of marital love is
holding your newborn child for the first time. (And in
case you haven't figured it out, the two are closely
related!)
But maybe marriage is the farthest thing from your
mind right now. Maybe you're not even dating. (No need
to rush things.) Your biggest concern might be handling
the crazy schedule of the average high-school student:
getting your mid-term project in before the deadline,
making it to your after-school job on time, finding time
to squeeze in your ballet class or football practice,
and even managing to eke out a social life.
"Who has time to think about dating seriously, let
alone about marriage? And besides, I'm not so sure I
want to get married. I mean, my folks are divorced. I
see the pain marriage has caused them. I'm not so sure
marriage works anymore."
Yet, most of us fall in love. We date. We break up.
We fall in love again. This time, we date seriously. And
before we know it, we’re engaged and on our way down the
aisle.
It happens to the best of us. Before you realize it,
you will likely be walking down the aisle.
But you're right, nearly half the marriages in
America don't work, ending in divorce -- leaving a trail
of brokenness in their paths. So we hesitate. We wonder,
"Is it worth the risk? Why isn't it working? Is the
dream of a lifelong, happy marriage and family life a
relic from a forgotten world?"
Who can blame you for thinking this way?
Does marriage still work? Absolutely! Is it possible
to be happily married? You better believe it is!
But we're convinced that it's only possible if a
couple approaches marriage in the right way. The way you
view marriage is very important. Your future happiness
will largely depend upon the success or failure of your
future marriage. But where can you look to find a view
of marriage that really works?
Definitely not on most TV shows. Like the media's
view of sex, their presentation of marriage leaves a lot
to be desired. The following story of Lustful Luke and
Selfish Sabrina is typical of how marriage is shown.
Lustful Luke and Selfish Sabrina
From the moment Lustful Luke saw her, he knew he had
to have her. He first spotted her from the other side of
the room at the Country Club cocktail party. There she
was, standing alone in her sexy, black sequined dress.
Curves in all the right places; long, flowing brown
hair; and luscious red lips. Selfish Sabrina was the
woman of Lustful Luke's dreams.
From the moment Selfish Sabrina saw him, she knew she
had to have him. She had been waiting for this moment
all night. Their eyes met and she knew it was him right
away. Everything about him said "money." From his
custom-made designer tux to his black alligator shoes
and his gold cufflinks, she knew this man must be
Lustful Luke. She knew about his mansion in Beverly
Hills and his condo in Paris. And she guessed correctly
that the red BMW she spotted in the parking lot was his.
She had to meet him. Luke was the man of Selfish
Sabrina's dreams.
Three weeks after they met, they were married by a
justice of the peace while on a weekend getaway to Rio.
They had a great marriage. They each got what they
wanted. But then it happened. Selfish Sabrina got
pregnant. She couldn't wait to cuddle her little one,
but Lustful Luke wasn't thrilled. It was her figure. It
was gone. Her ankles swelled and she gained forty-five
pounds during the pregnancy.
Now more than ever, Lustful Luke's secretary was
looking very good. They made arrangements for secret
rendezvous at the No-Tell Hotel. But much to Luke's
misfortune, the rendezvous were so frequent that his
investments were neglected and one day he lost
everything.
Well, when Selfish Sabrina found out that they had to
sell the mansion, the condo, and the BMW and move into a
two-bedroom apartment above a pizza shop, she was
furious.
After fighting for one day, Selfish Sabrina and
Lustful Luke decided that it would be best if they got a
divorce --so they did.
Four months later, Lustful Luke married his
secretary, and Selfish Sabrina, who had given birth to a
son, ran off with her doctor.
To be continued.
Doomed to Failure: Conditional Marriages Based on
Selfish 'Love'
Why didn't this marriage work? It's obvious to all:
Lustful Luke and Selfish Sabrina had a lousy approach to
marriage. It was a marriage based upon what each person
would gain from marrying the other. In this case, sex
and wealth. When those things vanished, so did the
marriage.
This story may seem extreme, and it is. But it
represents a common view held (sometimes unconsciously)
today: When my spouse doesn't meet my needs and wants
anymore, it's time to leave and find a new one who does.
There's another version: If my needs and wants change
and my spouse doesn't, it's time to leave and find a new
spouse.
This is a conditional view of marriage. As
long as certain (unspoken) conditions are met, we'll
live happily ever after. "Commitment" and "love" are
based upon these conditions. When the conditions are not
met, the "commitment" and "love" vanish and the marriage
with it. Conditional marriages are based upon selfish
"love," and, for that reason, they simply don't work.
In conditional marriages, the spouse is ultimately
treated as an object or thing to be discarded when "it"
is no longer useful. This view of marriage can be
compared to a business contract between two people. A
contract is honored as long as it's beneficial for each
of the partners. If the marriage is good for me, then
I'll stay with it. If not, I'm outta here.
It seems likely that many of the fifty percent of
marriages that end in divorce had a conditional and
selfish element to their relationship. This conditional
attitude may not have been expressed or even recognized
by the divorced couple, but it was surely present in
most of these marriages.
A selfish and conditional approach to marriage is not
what God intended for marriage. And because it's
contrary to God's will, it's doomed to failure and pain.
But there's a much better approach to marriage -- one
that's guaranteed to succeed. It's a view of marriage
that's based, not on conditional or self-interested
love, but on a total, unconditional gift of self to
one's spouse. Let's take a look at how God has designed
marriage to work.
Marriage: A Total Gift of Yourself
When we were dating, we spent what seemed like a ton
of cash buying gifts for one another. We still have
sweaters, jewelry, and stuffed animals that we bought
for each other. We gave each other these gifts to
express our love and affection. You can all probably
relate to giving gifts as tokens of your love for family
and friends. This is what gifts are for. This is why we
feel rejected if somebody doesn't like the present we
gave him or her. The gift is more than the material
object -- it symbolizes our love.
And if the gift is rejected, our love seems rejected
as well.
Well, marriage is a time for gifts that express love.
We spent hours opening our wedding gifts after our
honeymoon. But more important than all the wedding gifts
is the gift that the newlyweds give to each other.
In happy marriages, couples decide to express their
love for one another by giving the ultimate gift that
two people can give to each other -- themselves. The
material gifts received at a wedding can be very nice,
but they don't compare to the gift that the new spouses
give to each other while standing before their family
and friends at the altar.
Back in Chapter 2, we highlighted the truth that each
one of us has a built-in desire to love with the same
kind of total love that God has for us. This desire is
"built-in" because we are made like God -- "in his
image." In fact, this desire to love selflessly and
totally is so real that we only really achieve happiness
and meaning in life if we love this way.
This total, selfless, Godlike love is what God has
intended for married couples. It's only when spouses
love each other in this way that happiness in marriage
is possible. It's vitally important to understand that a
happy marriage demands a total gift of yourself. This
gift of self must also be unconditional. Happy marriages
involve two people saying to each other: "I love you. I
want to bind myself to you forever. I give myself to you
totally, without holding anything back. Out of love, I
give you my body, my mind, my heart, my love, my
loyalty, my trust, my affection, my money, my dreams, my
desires, my wants, my interests, and my goals." (Cf. CCC
2364, 1627, 1644.)
Real Love Is More Than a Feeling -- It's Total
Commitment
This total and unconditional gift of self to one's
spouse demands a real love based upon commitment, not
merely on feelings. It's a shame, but real love is so
often confused these days with feelings. We've all said
things like: "He's so cute; I just love him." Or, "She's
got a great body, I think I love her." Obviously,
comments like these don't really reflect real love. They
merely relate how a person "feels" about someone at that
particular moment.
It's a big deal when your boyfriend or girlfriend
tells you that he or she loves you, but is he or she
expressing real love or just warm feelings toward you?
From experience, it's our hunch that many so-called
"loves" are really just infatuation or sexual
attraction, not real love.
Real love means commitment forever. Don't get us
wrong -- feelings are a part of real love, but there is
much more than feelings involved in love. A marital love
based exclusively on feeling is headed for trouble,
because feelings change -- sometimes radically and
quickly. (Keith remembers being dumped for another guy
the very day after his first girlfriend told him that
she loved him!)
Feelings are usually based upon outward appearances
or upon the way you are being treated. But the truth is:
Your future spouse is not always going to look great.
Age, tiredness, and pregnancy all make it impossible for
us to maintain a youthful appearance, nor is your future
spouse always going to treat you like a king or a queen.
Most people have bad habits and defects that are
quite difficult to live with sometimes. In fact, chances
are fairly good that at some point in your future
marriage your spouse is going to seriously disappoint
you and cause you emotional pain. The bottom line is:
You probably won't always feel in love with your spouse.
But that doesn't mean you don't love him or her. Happily
married couples know that real love goes much deeper
than feelings.
Love that is based solely on feelings is not strong
enough to last through tough times. On the other hand,
love that is totally committed (no matter how one may
feel at the time) can ride out any storm that a marriage
may bring.
'I Love Him So Much -- I Think I'll Just Die'
In Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, the lovers prove
their love for one another by their willingness to die
for their love. We are convinced that marital love is
just as romantic. And like Romeo and Juliet, marital
love involves a "death."
To give yourself totally to another person means that
you are willing to die to yourself. This means death to
your own interests, for the sake of your spouse. Another
way of saying the same thing is to say that marital love
is a self-sacrificial love. Like natural death, dying to
yourself in marriage can be quite painful at times. But
marital love demands it.
Think about it. Before marriage, you are basically
free to do whatever you please. If you want to buy a new
outfit and you have the money, you buy it. If you want
to go out with your friends, you do it. But after
marriage, you must consider the best interests of your
spouse before you act. As we're sure you recognize, this
can be difficult when what you want to do differs from
what is best for your spouse. In many small ways, every
day, marital love calls for a death to self.
St. Paul compares marital love to the kind of love
that Jesus has for us, his Church. St. Paul says,
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). How did
Christ show love for his Church? He died for it. He gave
everything so that we could be happy. Christ is asking
for the same kind of love between spouses.
It's only through death to our own self-interests
that we come to experience true love, joy, and happiness
in marriage. Before Christ could rise triumphantly from
the dead, he had to die. The same is true in marriage.
When each spouse dies to selfish desires, they are then
"resurrected" into a deep, loving union that's stronger
than any other human relationship.
But why would anyone want to give of oneself like
this to another person? Love, of course.
And here's the great part: Your spouse is giving
totally of himself or herself, too. Marriage involves
not only giving a gift but also receiving one. Could
there be a better gift than the total love and
commitment of the one whom you love totally? We don't
think so. Marriage is something beautiful for God!
The Key to Great Sex
Do you want to have a great sex life someday?
We have just told you how to have one. Give yourself
totally and unconditionally to your future spouse and
you will be doing the most important thing possible to
ensure a great sex life. A recent study by the Family
Research Council indicated that seventy-two percent of
the people who have this kind of a marriage report high
sexual satisfaction. This is a thirty-one percent higher
rate of satisfaction than those who have sex outside of
marriage.
Popular fashion and "self-help" magazines don't
understand this. Nearly one story a month appears in
each of these magazines related to improving your sex
life. A recent article in Redbook is entitled:
"Have the sex life you always wanted: How to have it
now." What the writers of articles such as these don't
understand is that sex is only really good (that is,
emotionally, physically, and morally good) when it's in
the context of a total, unconditional marriage
relationship.
They think that good sex is achieved by perfecting
the right technique in order to gain the most physical
pleasure. But there is so much more to good sex than the
physical aspect. Sex is intended by God to be an
expression of real, unconditional, committed marital
love. When this sacrificial love and its corresponding
total commitment in marriage are missing, sex is reduced
to physical pleasure. And this pleasure, by itself,
doesn't satisfy. If it did, prostitutes would be the
happiest people in the world. But they're not.
Sexual intercourse is the expression (in a bodily
way) of the total gift that a husband and wife have
given to each other. Sex celebrates this total gift of
love; and at the same time, it deepens the marital bond
and makes it more real. Sex without the total gift of
self in marriage is empty and hollow -- just ask a
prostitute.
Great Sex Is Open to Life
There's another related sex myth circulating in
America these days. It suggests that it's normal to want
sexual intercourse without the possibility of producing
a child. The pleasure and union from sex are sought by
such couples -- but without the risk of conceiving a
child. This is achieved with the use of artificial
contraceptives or birth control.
This is an unnatural rejection of a very good gift
that God gives couples through sexual intercourse. It's
unnatural because children are not something foreign to
a marriage; rather, they spring from the very heart of
marital love. (Cf. CCC 2368, 1652-1654.)
As we've mentioned in Chapter 4, sex was created by
God not only to be life-uniting but also to create a new
human life through this intimate union. The life-uniting
and life-giving aspects of sexual intercourse are two
sides of the same coin. For this reason, the Catechism
of the Catholic Church tells us what the Church has
always taught: "Each and every marriage act must remain
open to the transmission of life" (CCC 2366).
Having sexual intercourse while deliberately ruling
out the possibility of having a child by using
artificial birth control can be compared to ordering a
chocolate-fudge sundae and scraping off all the
chocolate fudge and eating only the ice cream. The best
part of the sundae has been wasted.
We have highlighted the fact that a happy marriage
demands a total gift of self. Using contraceptives
contradicts this kind of total gift. It says, "I will
give you everything, except my ability to make a new
life." It says no to the new creation of a couple's
love. It's a holding back of a very important part of
the gift. This is one reason why the Catholic Church has
always taught that using artificial birth control of any
kind is seriously sinful. (Cf. CCC 2399.)
There are a number of related reasons why each act of
sexual intercourse must remain open to the possibility
of new life.
1. God views children as always a blessing from
him, and never as a curse. Verses 3 and 5 of Psalm
127 tell us that "sons are a heritage from the Lord; /
the fruit of the womb a reward / ... / Happy is the man
who has / his quiver full of them!" The Catechism of the
Catholic Church echoes these verses when it says clearly
that "Sacred Scripture and the Church's traditional
practice see in large families a sign of God's blessing
and the parents' generosity" (No. 2373).
To a home, children add life and joy that is not
present without them. Their smiles, energy, childhood
innocence, and daily discoveries have a way of keeping a
home young and alive.
Children also bind their parents to one another. In
their children, parents see a living symbol of their
love and union. The married couples we know who have
several children have a marriage relationship that is
very fresh and alive. Couples who are "childless by
choice" can easily get bored with one another. A
relationship becomes sterile when it's focused on
self-interests to the exclusion of having children.
Children have a way of bringing out the best in their
parents. They force parents to live a self-sacrificial
love daily. Small children are totally helpless. They
can't eat, bathe, or get dressed without Mom or Dad.
This has a way of calling forth the best virtues from
the couple. Children are indeed a blessing from the
Lord!
2. Married couples who respect the life-giving
power of sexual intercourse by not using artificial
birth control are less likely to treat one another as
sexual objects. There's a danger, even in marriage,
of treating your spouse as an object who is there to
fulfill your sexual desires. It's pretty hard to have
this happen when all your acts of sexual intercourse are
potentially life-producing. For couples who don't use
contraception, sex is recognized for what it really is:
a very powerful (life-giving) gift from God.
3. Those married couples who don't use
contraception are much more likely to have a happy and
successful marriage. The evidence is overwhelming.
The divorce rate is less than five percent for those who
don't use artificial birth control. Conversely, forty to
sixty percent of those Catholics who don't follow this
teaching end up divorced!
God really does bless those who are faithful to
him.
A married couple we were friends with in college gave
us some great advice when it comes to being generous
with having children. They told us simply, "You can't
outgive God! Because nobody is more generous than God."
What they meant was that the more we give of ourselves
to God through obedience to him (in this case, by not
using artificial birth control), the more God will bless
us -- because God will not be outdone in generosity. We
can't think of better advice to give newly married
couples. God has certainly not let us down!
NFP: Natural Family Planning
With all that we've just said, you might get the
impression that God wants married couples to have as
many children as is physically possible. Or you might
think that every time you have sexual intercourse with
your spouse you must make a baby. Both of these ideas
are not what the Church teaches.
As we've said, the Church does teach that using
artificial contraception is always wrong. Each act of
intercourse must be open to new life. Nothing should be
done to any act of sexual intercourse to shut off the
possibility of producing a child. Artificial birth
control deliberately blocks the potential conception of
a new child. It intentionally tries to separate
the life-giving from the life-uniting aspect of sex.
This is an abuse of our sexual gift.
Because it's always wrong to use artificial birth
control, there can be no time when it is the right thing
to do.
But is there a moral way to regulate birth? We'll
turn to this question after we clear up a
misunderstanding related to this Church teaching.
Don't misunderstand what the Church says. Sex that
doesn't make a baby is still morally good. In fact, even
if a married couple recognizes that getting pregnant is
highly unlikely because of the woman's cycle (more on
this later), it's still morally good to have sex.
In fact, the Catholic Church recognizes that there
are times in a marriage when having a child could cause
great hardship to the family. For situations such as
this, the Church recommends natural family planning, or
NFP. Pope Paul VI, in his encyclical letter Humanae
Vitae (from the Latin, literally meaning "of human
life"), states the Church's position: "If ... there are
serious motives to space out births, which derive from
the physical or psychological condition of husband and
wife, or from external conditions, the Church teaches
that it is then licit to take into account the natural
rhythms immanent in the generative functions, for the
use of marriage in the infecund periods only, and in
this way to regulate birth without offending the moral
principles . . . " (No. 16).
In plain language, this paragraph is saying that
married couples may morally make use of what is now
called NFP to avoid getting pregnant, if there is a
serious reason. (Cf. CCC 2368, 2370.)
NFP is based upon scientific studies of women's
menstrual cycles. Doctors have discovered that there are
certain signs in a woman's body that reveal when she is
ovulating. Ovulation is when an egg is released from a
woman's ovaries. Ovulation occurs normally once a month.
It's only around the time of ovulation that it's
possible for a woman to become pregnant.
NFP teaches couples to recognize and chart the signs
of ovulation. This can be done very accurately. If there
are serious reasons for avoiding pregnancy, married
couples can avoid pregnancy by not having sexual
intercourse during the days when ovulation occurs and
immediately before and after ovulation. It takes some
self-control, but studies have shown NFP to be as
effective at avoiding pregnancy as any method of
artificial contraception.
However, NFP is very different from artificial
contraception. When using NFP, sex is avoided during
ovulation to avoid pregnancy, but the sex act is not
altere in any way to make it incapable of conceiving a
baby.
Those who use NFP simply don't have sexual
intercourse when they don't want to get pregnant.
Using artificial birth control is different from
this. Those who use artificial contraception still have
sex, but they alter the reproductive forces to make the
sex childless, And this is what makes it immoral.
There are a number of different methods of NFP, but
there is not space here to go into the specifies of how
each method of NFP works. However, if you are close to
marrying and would like more information about the
specifies of practicing NFP, there are organizations
that will be happy to send you information. One of the
most popular groups is the Couple to Couple League
International, Inc., P.O. Box I 11184, Cincinnati, OH
45211.
We want to close this section on a personal note.
Following the Church teaching that forbids artificial
contraception has been, without a doubt, the greatest
blessing of our marriage! At this writing, we have six
precious little gifts from God to prove it. It has
helped us to gain a real respect and understanding of
our sexuality that we didn't have when we were dating.
It's our personal belief that couples who go wrong here
are making the biggest mistake possible toward the
destruction of their marriages.
Permanently Hitched
As we've seen, marital love demands a total gift of
self. It follows from this that the total gift of self
is a permanent gift. In theological terms, a valid
marriage is what the Church calls "indissoluble." This
means that the marriage bond is so real that it cannot
be broken by anyone, even the spouses themselves. (Cf.
CCC 1640, 2382.)
Have you ever given a gift and then decided to take
it back? You wouldn't think of doing this. Once the gift
is given, it's given and that's that.
Well, when two baptized persons give themselves to
each other totally in marriage, they can't decide later
to take back the gift. If there was an option of taking
the gift back, then the marriage would not consist of a
"total" giving. But the gift of self in marriage is
total, and therefore it's permanent.
We mentioned earlier in this chapter that conditional
and self-interested marriages are based on a contractual
understanding of marriage. If the contract benefits both
parties, they stay with it. If it no longer offers
benefit, the contract is not renewed and the
relationship ends.
God doesn't view marriage as a contract. Rather, he
created marriage to be a covenant between two people.
One of the differences between a covenant and a contract
is that a covenant is a permanent bond between two
parties. It's a bond that has life-and-death
implications.
God is the model for knowing what a covenant is. The
Bible records God making a covenant with his chosen
people. The covenants that God makes are permanent. They
are life-and-death bonds.
Consider the final covenant that God made with his
Church. The Bible calls this covenant a marriage between
God and his bride, the Church. God established this
permanent bond by sending his Son. The covenant was
sealed permanently in Christ's blood on the cross. When
God makes a covenant, he wants us to know that it's
serious business. God has shown us how serious he is
about keeping the covenant with his people by offering
his Son on the cross.
Marriage is a covenant between two people; therefore
it's a bond that cannot be broken. And the covenant
between spouses is even, as the Catechism of the
Catholic Church says, "sealed by God himself... Thus the
marriage bond has been established by God
himself in such a way that a marriage concluded and
consummated between baptized persons can never be
dissolved" (Nos. 1639-1640; second emphasis added).
So even if a couple want to end a valid marriage,
they can't. Because in God's eyes (and in reality), the
marriage bond is permanent. Jesus made this clear when
he explained that when two people marry, the bond is so
real that they become one flesh, and thus they cannot be
separated because "from the beginning of creation, 'God
made them male and female. For this reason a man shall
leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife],
and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no
longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined
together, no human being must separate" (Mark 10:6-9;
NAB).
Because this bond is so real, no human being (not
even a judge or the Church) can really separate a
married couple.
"But how does this square with civil divorce and
remarriage?" you may ask. "Just about anyone who wants a
divorce can get one. And people get remarried all the
time. Yet, you say that it's impossible to end a valid
marriage. I don't get it."
Marriages that are ended in the court of law aren't
really over. The covenant continues even if the spouses
and the courts don't recognize that it still exists.
This is why Jesus has said, "Whoever divorces his wife
and marries another commits adultery against her; and if
she divorces her husband and marries another, she
commits adultery. "
Out of faithfulness to Christ, the Church does not
recognize civil divorces and remarriages, pointing out
"that a new union cannot be recognized as valid, if the
first marriage was. If the divorced are remarried
civilly, they find themselves in a situation that
objectively contravenes God's law. Consequently, they
cannot receive Eucharistic communion as long as this
situation persists" (CCC 1650).
You may have heard about the Church granting
annulments to couples. Isn't an annulment the Church's
way of divorcing people?
No, an annulment is very different from a divorce. An
annulment is simply the recognition by the Church that
the marriage bond never really took place between
the couple, while a divorce seeks to separate people who
are really married.
It is not within the scope of this book to give a
detailed explanation of annulments. The following
excerpt from The Teaching of Christ, 4th Edition
(published by Our Sunday Visitor) is a good summary of
what an annulment is: "Some apparent marriages that
'fail' were in fact never true marriages. No real
marriage covenant was established if one or both of the
partners failed to give, or were incapable of giving,
free consent; or if one or both did not intend a real
marriage, a bond of faithful love at least in principle
open to offspring. If for any reason an apparent
marriage was not a genuine marriage from the start, it
may be possible to obtain from the Church an official
acknowledgment of that fact, that is, an annulment, or,
more exactly, a decree of nullity. Each diocese is
required to have a matrimonial tribunal or court to hear
and judge matrimonial cases. Should it be determined
that one had not been validly married, genuine marriage
with another partner would not be excluded."
Marriage: A Holy Calling
As we hope you can tell from what we've said,
marriage is a totally unique relationship. It makes two
people one; it helps spouses to love like God does; it
creates new life; and it's a permanent bond. There is no
other human relationship that does these things. But
there is something else marriage does that we haven't
yet mentioned explicitly. In fact, all of these other
things are meant to lead to this final thing.
The most important thing marriage does is that it
helps the spouses become more like God. The Church
understands marriage to be a holy calling from God.
Through this state in life, a person has an obligation
to become more holy, more like Christ.
The primary purpose of marriage, in fact, is to lead
spouses to God. There are all kinds of secondary reasons
for marrying: starting and nurturing a family,
companionship, the pursuit of happiness, etc. But,
ultimately, mariiage is meant to help the spouses gain
heaven.
Yet, God has not left spouses to try to become holy
on their own. Jesus has raised marriage to the level of
a sacrament. The sacraments are the main way that God
gives his people his divine life. (Cf. CCC 1638,
1641-1642.)
There are seven sacraments: baptism, confirmation,
Eucharist, reconciliation, anointing of the sick, holy
orders, and marriage. These sacraments were given as
gifts by Jesus to the Church. They are signs through
which we actually receive God's life into our souls.
Through each of the sacraments, Jesus directly works in
the soul of the Catholic to transform him or her into
the likeness of God.
Does it seem strange to you that marriage is a
sacrament? It seems so ordinary. How can changing
diapers, washing clothes, doing yard work, paying bills,
grocery shopping, and all the other mundane aspects of
marital life be holy? Yet, God has seen fit to make
marriage a means of giving his divine life to us.
And here 's the neat part: In the sacrament of
marriage, it's the spouses who give the sacrament to one
another. In baptism, Christ works through the person who
baptizes to cleanse the soul from sin and fill it with
divine life. In the Eucharist, the priest acts in the
person of Christ to give us Christ's life in his very
body and blood. In marriage, it's the spouses who act as
Christ for each other. (Cf. CCC 1623.)
Christ is the source of the grace that couples give
to one another. The Catechism of the Catholic Church
(No. 1642) mentions many ways that Jesus helps couples
who are in a sacramental marriage. They are worth
listing:
-Christ dwells with the couple.
-Christ gives them strength to take up the crosses
that usually come in marriage.
-Christ helps them to rise again after they have
fallen.
-Christ helps spouses to forgive one another.
-Christ gives them the strength to bear one another's
burdens.
-Christ helps them "to be subject to one another out
of love for him" (Ephesians 5:2 1).
-And Christ helps them to love one another in a
supernatural, tender, and fruitful manner.
As you can see, there's a lot more to marriage than
meets the eye. God is at work here. If you seek him in
your future marriage, you will find him.
Conclusion: Choosing a Mate
After taking a serious look at what's really involved
in marriage, it becomes apparent that one's choice of a
lifelong partner is very significant. We want to
conclude this chapter with a number of factors that
should be seriously considered when deciding whom to
marry.
The following considerations are based on everything
we have said thus far in this chapter about marriage --
it's a total gift of self that God is intimately
involved in.
1. The person you marry should be a baptized
Christian who is actively seeking to please God through
his or her life. This is the basic consideration.
It's basic because a person's faith determines
everything else about him or her. A person's faith
generally determines what one's main goal in life is.
You will want to be totally bonded only to someone
who has the same goal in life that you have. That goal
should be to please Jesus Christ and one day live with
him eternally in heaven.
2. It's best if you marry a baptized Catholic who
is committed to the teaching of the Catholic faith.
There are a number of reasons why it's clearly best for
a Catholic to marry a Catholic instead of a baptized,
non-Catholic Christian. All of these reasons are related
to the complete unity that is less likely attainable in
a mixed marriage. For this reason, the Church requires
that a Catholic get express permission from Church
authorities to marry a baptized, non-Catholic Christian.
One major source of disunity in "mixed marriages" is
how sexuality is understood. Many non-Catholic
Christians don't have the same view of sex that
Catholics do. Artificial birth control is permitted by
most of these denominations. Not having unity in this
matter can be devastating.
Marrying a Catholic who is committed to the Church
assures that both partners are open to the new gift (or
gifts) of life that God wants to bring into the
marriage. Even more, the Church is calling Catholics to
be generously open to this new life. Will your
non-Catholic husband or wife be generously open to life?
Are children considered to be a necessary burden to the
marriage or are they viewed as treasured gifts from God
that bring life and joy into a home? Difficulties will
definitely arise if there is not unity on this point.
And how are the children in a mixed marriage going to
be raised? The Catholic spouse has an obligation to
raise and educate his or her children in the Catholic
faith.
It will be hard to do this if Dad is going to the
local Presbyterian Church while Mom and the kids head to
Mass. The kids will see your disunity and wonder why.
This could cause them great confusion.
Wouldn't you want your spouse to share with you and
your children the same Eucharist? A non-Catholic
Christian spouse is not permitted to receive the same
sacraments (aside from baptism) that Catholics receive.
It seems to us that a sacramental disunity will likely
hinder the overall unity of the marriage. (Cf. CCC
1633-1637.)
3. Is this person committed to the virtue of
chastity?Another important consideration to ask
yourself is: What's your potential spouse's view of the
virtue of chastity? How has he or she treated his or her
sexuality in the past? By practicing the virtue of
chastity, has he or she protected the gift for you? Does
he or she even know about the virtue of chastity?
If your potential spouse hasn't yet developed this
virtue, you had better give this a lot of thought.
Because there is a good chance you are headed for
unfaithfulness in your future marriage.
As we've mentioned, people can begin again regarding
the virtue of chastity -- but don't fool yourself into
thinking that someone has begun again when he or she
really hasn't. This beginning again needs to be
demonstrated over a period of time.
Even if he or she has begun again, you should still
be aware that problems can still be carried into a
marriage because of previous unchastity. Bonds created
with past partners, possible STDs, and uncomfortable
past memories from a promiscuous sex life can still
cause problems even if he or she has truly begun again.
The virtue of chastity is also important because
trust is dependent upon it. And if there is no trust,
then a healthy relationship is not possible.
4. Look to marry someone who is working hard to
develop all the human virtues. The virtue of
chastity is not the only virtue to consider when
choosing your future spouse. Here is a laundry list of
virtues that must be developed to help ensure a happy
marriage. Is he or she ...
-hard working?
-self-controlled?
-honest?
-kind and compassionate to those who are suffering?
-just and fair?
-patient?
-generous?
-merciful and understanding of people's weaknesses?
No one has obtained all of these virtues completely.
What's important is that your future spouse (and for
that matter, you) should be working on these virtues and
headed in the right direction. As we have already
mentioned, marriage has a way of developing many of
these virtues. But for these virtues to grow in
marriage, the seeds need to be firmly planted before
marriage.
In conclusion, the above are four important
considerations when contemplating whom to marry.
Obviously, there are other important considerations:
attraction, complementary personalities, respect, and
the like. But we are convinced that if you seriously
consider the four criteria we have listed in this
section, you can't go too far wrong. To enter a marriage
without considering these four factors could lead to big
trouble and future unhappiness.
It's good to consider these factors before you "fall
in love," because "love" can really be blind sometimes.
Deciding who to marry is serious business. Choose
wisely! |