TRÁI TIM MẸ:  NƠI CON NƯƠNG NÁU - ĐƯỜNG ĐẾN VỚI CHÚA

"Chúa Giêsu muốn dùng con để làm cho Mẹ được nhận biết và yêu mến"

 

 

  November 8/2009 - 32nd Sunday of Ordinary Time 

 

LITURGICAL/THEME MEDITATION:

"This poor widow has put in more than the rest"

UNIVERSAL CHURCH/WORLD EVENT(S):

Vatican Aide: Priest Vocations Up in 20 Countries;

Iraqi Christians: Long History, Precarious Future

SAINT OF THE DAY

Blessed John Duns Scotus

 GENERAL MARIOLOGY
The birth of Mary the Holy Mother of God,

and very glorious Mother of Jesus Christ

 DIVINE MERCY

Divine Mercy in My Soul

NOTEBOOK VI

 TEACHING/TESTIMONY/CONVICTION:

The Truth About Love & Sex
A Happy Marriage: Giving the Gift

 

DAILY LITURGICAL MEDITATION

 
 
Sunday (11/8): "This poor widow has put in more than the rest"

Scripture: Mark 12:38-44

38 And in his teaching he said, "Beware of the scribes, who like to go about in long robes, and to have salutations in the market places  39 and the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, 40 who devour widows' houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation."  41 And he sat down opposite the treasury, and watched the multitude putting money into the treasury. Many rich people put in large sums.  42 And a poor widow came, and put in two copper coins, which make a penny. 43 And he called his disciples to him, and said to them, "Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the treasury.  44 For they all contributed out of their abundance; but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, her whole living."

Meditation: What is true religion and devotion to God? Jesus warns his disciples against the wrong kind of religion. In his denunciation of the scribes (the religious experts of his day), he warns against three things: the desire for prominence rather than selfless service; the desire for deference and recognition (and seeking esteem from others) rather than seeking to promote the good of others through humble service and love; and thirdly, attempting to use one’s position (even a religious position) for self-gain and self-advancement. True religion is relating rightly to God and to one’s neighbor with love, honor, and respect. The Lord puts his Holy Spirit within us that we may be filled with the joy of his presence, the joy of true worship, and the joy of selfless giving and love for others. True reverence for God frees the heart to give liberally, both to God and to neighbor.

Jesus taught his disciples a dramatic lesson in giving with love. Love doesn't calculate; it spends lavishly! Jesus drove this point home to his disciples while sitting in the temple and observing people offering their tithes. Jesus praised a poor widow who gave the smallest of coins in contrast with the rich who gave greater sums. How can someone in poverty give more than someone who has ample means? Jesus' answer is very simple: love is more precious than gold! Jesus taught that real giving must come from the heart. A gift that is given with a grudge or for display loses most of its value. But a gift given out of love, with a spirit of generosity and sacrifice, is invaluable. The amount or size of the gift doesn't matter as much as the cost to the giver. The poor widow could have kept one of her coins, but instead she recklessly gave away all she had! Jesus praised someone who gave barely a penny –  how insignificant a sum –  because it was everything she had, her whole living. What we have to offer may look very small and not worth much, but if we put all we have at the Lord's disposal, no matter how insignificant it may seem, then God can do with it and with us what is beyond our reckoning. Do you know the joy and freedom of giving liberally to God and to neighbor with gratitude and love?

"Lord Jesus, all that I have is yours. Take my life, my possessions, my time and all that I have and use them as you desire for your glory."

Psalm 146:1-2,7-10

1 Praise the LORD! Praise the LORD, O my soul!
2 I will praise the LORD as long as I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have being.
7 who executes justice for the oppressed; who gives food to the hungry.  The LORD sets the prisoners free;
8 the LORD opens the eyes of the blind. The LORD lifts up those who are bowed down;  the LORD loves the righteous.
9 The LORD watches over the sojourners, he upholds the widow and the fatherless;  but the way of the wicked he brings to ruin.
10 The LORD will reign for ever, thy God, O Zion, to all generations.  Praise the LORD!
 

www.dailyscripture.net
 

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UNIVERSAL CHURCH/WORLD EVENTS

 

Vatican Aide: Priest Vocations Up in 20 Countries


Addresses Conference of Promoters From England and Wales
 
ROME, NOV. 6, 2009 (Zenit.org).- The director of the Pontifical Pastoral Ministry for Priestly Vocations is affirming that 20 countries have seen an increase in priestly vocations over the past year.

Monsignor Francis Bonnici reported this at a conference of English and Welsh Vocations Directors, recently held at the Venerable English College in Rome.

He noted that England and Wales were among those that had seen an increase in the number of seminarians, but didn't offer a list of the others.

The National Office for Vocations of the bishops' conference of England and Wales reported in September over 40 men commenced seminary formation for the dioceses of England and Wales.

The priest urged the vocations directors to not be too "general" in promoting the priesthood.

He gave special emphasis to the ministerial priesthood, stating that a new document, planned to be released in 2011, will be published on this topic, drawing on the addresses of Benedict XVI.

After the conference, Monsignor Bonnici affirmed that the time with the vocations directors was "very enriching."

He continued: "What struck me most was the great interest which they have in vocations to the priesthood.

"Looking at the table where there were the pamphlets and programs in print, I could notice that there is a true focus in the pastoral ministry for vocations. Listening to the discussions and talking to individuals, I felt that the promotion of vocation is very central to the directors."

Some 18 priests from 16 dioceses attended the conference, and elected a new chairman of the vocations directors' committee.

The new chairman, Father Stephen Langridge, stated, "Every diocese has to face up to the challenge of promoting priestly vocations and yet, in many places the vocations director is part-time."

"As the newly elected chairman," he affirmed, "I am very conscious of the importance of encouraging my fellow vocations directors and I look forward to working with them to develop new strategies for the promotion of priestly vocations particularly among the teenagers and younger men of our dioceses."

 

Iraqi Christians: Long History, Precarious Future

Documentary Sends Cry for Help to the World


 
By Genevieve Pollock

ARBIL, Iraq, NOV. 6, 2009 (Zenit.org).- A new video documentary produced by Catholics in Iraq invites people to experience the history, culture, martyrs and struggles of one of the oldest Christian communities.

Hank and Diane McCormick, a missionary couple working in Northern Iraq, told ZENIT that the first episode of this five-part documentary can be viewed online by people worldwide who want to "meet" the Middle Eastern Catholics.

The video exposes stories about Christian martyrs of that region as well as Catholics -- bishops, priests and laypeople -- who are currently living there and working in schools, hospitals and other services. It incorporates scenes from the area's holy places, footage of ancient artifacts, glimpses of liturgical celebrations and local music.

Diane, who worked on the project as an assistant editor, explained that it was a joint effort of the Chaldean, Syrian, Maronite and Latin Churches, produced as a cry for help.

The message from the Catholics to the world, she said, is: "Help, help now while there is still large enough numbers for the rites to survive."

Diane continued: "They can clearly see the end to their existence within the next 10 years.

"Their departure is a loss, even for Muslims; an East without Christians would not be the same. They cannot cry out any louder for help from the universal Church."

Precarious

The video introduction reports that the situation of that region's Christian community, which dates its origin back to St. Thomas the Apostle, is presently "precarious."

"These Catholics cannot remain in their homeland of 2,000 years without assistance from their Catholic brothers and sisters" on other continents, it states.

The video, titled "An Open Door," offers "insight into the minds and hearts of Catholics living in Iraq."

It explains that their "peaceful nature and status as a minority too small to defend themselves have caused Iraqi Catholics to be targeted and made victims of war after war."

Thus, the number of Christians in the region has dropped from 1.5 million to some 350,000, and it is continuing to fall.

Hank, who served as cameraman and translator for the video, explained to ZENIT that the Church leaders are hoping that people will see this video and "come and help."

He stated that aid is needed in order to "build industry, build Catholic schools, minor seminaries, and hospitals, and adopt parishes inside Iraq, thus opening up communication between Iraqis inside and the world beyond."

"Catholics in the Middle East are neither terrorists nor refugees," the video explains. "They are people, individuals with a deep faith, rich heritage and courage."

Modern martyr

The first episode tells the story of Father Ragheed Ganni, a 34-year-old pastor in Mosul who was shot four times through the heart in front of his church in 2007.

On the video, a fellow priest shows the icon, with a bullet hole through it, that was in Father Ganni's pocket when he was killed.

"The situation here is worse than hell," the pastor had written in an e-mail to a former professor the day before he died.

In his honor, some 37 miles from where he died, Catholics established the Father Ragheed Ganni Medical Center, where volunteers work to distribute medicine free of charge to Christians and Muslims alike.

Doctor Ranna Enwyia, who works at the clinic, was a close friend of Father Ganni. She affirmed that the priest was constantly aware that his life could be taken at any time, and yet he was always working, "always happy."

"He taught us how to be happy," she affirmed.

The doctor recalled that the priest used to pray to God: "Even if I lose my life, it's okay, because it will be with you and for you."

She stated: "He taught me that I will live just once. So I have to make every moment of my life to be useful to the other. And if it is useful to the other, it will make me happy."

Enwyia works alongside Doctor Basman Gilal Marcos, a Catholic who, through the medical center ministry, came back to practice his faith after being away for 20 years. They serve hundreds of people that come each Friday and Sunday for medicine.

Hank explained that the impact of Catholics in that area comes from the schools, hospitals and services they provide. "Even in the midst of war they are succeeding," he added.

Father Rayan Atto, a diocesan priest who directs the medical center, tells stories on the video of how Father Ganni has been interceding for the project and aiding with "many miracles."

Compelling stories

As the documentary continues into other episodes, Bishop Jack Ishaak, dean of Babel College in Arbil-Ankowa, explains the rich heritage of the community's 2,000 years of history and the current role of religion in daily life. He and other prelates explore the Chaldean liturgy and its ancient roots in the Jewish rites from Jerusalem.

Episode three reveals how success in Catholic education is being translated into "security" for the future of Christians "living among 25 million Muslims."

The final episode presents testimonies of the Catholics who have been kidnapped or have been victims of crime and religious persecution, and their own explanations of "why they want to stay in their homeland of 2,000 years."

It calls on the global community to help provide opportunities to "enable Christians to shed their refugee status."

Hank noted that this project is "a response to the Church's call for ecumenism and the Holy Father's call to help Christians in the Middle East."

"Because of the wars and the civil violence," he said, "which is constantly shown on the news, people -- Catholics especially -- need to see the picture of Northern Iraq, and to see and hear the stories of Catholics in action."

Father Jean Abou Khalife, founder and director of TV Charity, an apostolate of the Lebanese Maronite Missionaries, took responsibility for producing the video.

The Chaldean Catholic Church, through St. Peter Chaldean Seminary in Arbil, took charge of the content and the directing.

The agenda

Diane explained that the video was "a cooperative effort among the Churches" that they hope will "promote the agenda" of the 2010 Synod of Bishops for the Middle East "through lay means."

She told ZENIT that the documentary's message, as presented by Archbishop Louis Sako of Kirkuk, "mirrors the main points to be discussed in the Synod."

The Chaldean archbishop emphasizes the local Church's need to move from focusing on the past to preparation for the future, to center on identifying its vocation and mission in Northern Iraq today.

This is not something that the Iraqis can do alone, he noted, but it will be possible in communion with the universal Church.

Hank affirmed: "Our job is to raise awareness in the West of the dimensions of the problem, and then generate support for the building of schools, hospitals, clinics and more.

"Iraqi Catholics form a professional class. They have initiative, skills, and the desire to succeed. But the war has left them displaced and unemployed in an economy that cannot absorb their numbers.

"There has to be investment from the outside. The Church will use the Synod to do her part. And we lay need to do ours, which is to cooperate, donate, and sacrifice to help the Catholic community to survive in Iraq."

The first part of the video is currently available for online viewing, but with the completion of the other episodes, expected by the end of the month, a DVD will be produced for distribution.

 

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DAILY LITURGICAL SAINT

   

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Blessed John Duns Scotus

(c. 1266-1308)

 

A humble man, John Duns Scotus has been one of the most influential Franciscans through the centuries.

Born at Duns in the county of Berwick, Scotland, John was descended from a wealthy farming family. In later years he was identified as John Duns Scotus to indicate the land of his birth; Scotia is the Latin name for Scotland.

John received the habit of the Friars Minor at Dumfries, where his uncle Elias Duns was superior. After novitiate John studied at Oxford and Paris and was ordained in 1291. More studies in Paris followed until 1297, when he returned to lecture at Oxford and Cambridge. Four years later he returned to Paris to teach and complete the requirements for the doctorate.

In an age when many people adopted whole systems of thought without qualification, John pointed out the richness of the Augustinian-Franciscan tradition, appreciated the wisdom of Aquinas, Aristotle and the Muslim philosophers—and still managed to be an independent thinker. That quality was proven in 1303 when King Philip the Fair tried to enlist the University of Paris on his side in a dispute with Pope Boniface VIII. John Duns Scotus dissented and was given three days to leave France.

In Scotus’s time, some philosophers held that people are basically determined by forces outside themselves. Free will is an illusion, they argued. An ever practical man, Scotus said that if he started beating someone who denied free will, the person would immediately tell him to stop. But if Scotus didn’t really have a free will, how could he stop? John had a knack for finding illustrations his students could remember!

After a short stay in Oxford he returned to Paris, where he received the doctorate in 1305. He continued teaching there and in 1307 so ably defended the Immaculate Conception of Mary that the university officially adopted his position. That same year the minister general assigned him to the Franciscan school in Cologne where John died in 1308. He is buried in the Franciscan church near the famous Cologne cathedral.

Drawing on the work of John Duns Scotus, Pope Pius IX solemnly defined the Immaculate Conception of Mary in 1854. John Duns Scotus, the "Subtle Doctor," was beatified in 1993.
 

Comment:

Father Charles Balic, O.F.M., the foremost 20th-century authority on Scotus, has written: "The whole of Scotus's theology is dominated by the notion of love. The characteristic note of this love is its absolute freedom. As love becomes more perfect and intense, freedom becomes more noble and integral both in God and in man" (New Catholic Encyclopedia, Vol. 4, p. 1105).

 
Quote:

Intelligence hardly guarantees holiness. But John Duns Scotus was not only brilliant, he was also humble and prayerful—the exact combination St. Francis wanted in any friar who studied. In a day when French nationalism threatened the rights of the pope, Scotus sided with the papacy and paid the price. He also defended human freedom against those who would compromise it by determinism.

Ideas are important. John Duns Scotus placed his best thinking at the service of the human family and of the Church.

 

http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/SaintofDay

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GENERAL MARIOLOGY

 

 

The birth of Mary the Holy Mother of God,

and very glorious Mother of Jesus Christ

The Protoevangelium of James
Apocrypha

 

5. And on the following day he brought his offerings, saying in himself: If the Lord God has been rendered gracious to me, the plate (4) on the priest's forehead will make it manifest to me. And Joachim brought his offerings, and observed attentively the priest's plate when he went up to the altar of the Lord, and he saw no sin in himself. And Joachim said: Now I know that the Lord has been gracious unto me, and has remitted all my sins. And he went down from the temple of the Lord justified, and departed to his own house. And her months were fulfilled, and in the ninth (5) month Anna brought forth. And she said to the midwife: What have I brought forth? and she said: A girl. And said Anna: My soul has been magnified this day.
And she laid her down. And the days having been fulfilled, Anna was purified, and gave the breast to the child, (6) and called her name Mary.

6. And the child grew strong day by day; and when she was six (7) months old, her mother set her on the ground to try whether she could stand, and she walked seven steps and came into her bosom; and she snatched her up, saying: As the Lord my God liveth, thou shall not walk on this earth until I bring thee into the temple of the Lord. And she made a sanctuary in her bed-chamber, and allowed nothing common or unclean to pass through her. And she called the undefiled daughters of the Hebrews, and they led her astray. (8) And when she was a year old, Joachim made a great feast, and invited the priests, and the scribes, and the elders, and all the people of Israel. And Joachim brought the child to the priests; and they blessed her, saying: O God of our fathers, bless this child, and give her an everlasting name to be named in all generations. And all the people said: So be it, so be it, amen. And he brought her to the chief priests; and they blessed her, saying: O God most high, look upon this child, and bless her with the utmost blessing, which shall be for ever. And her mother snatched her up, and took her into the sanctuary of her bed-chamber, and gave her the breast. And Anna made a song to the Lord God, saying: I will sing a song to the Lord my God, for He hath looked upon me, and hath taken away the reproach of mine enemies; and the Lord hath given the the fruit of His righteousness, singular in its kind, and richly endowed before Him. Who will tell the sons of Rubim that Anna gives suck? Hear, hear, ye twelve tribes of Israel, that Anna gives suck. And she laid her to rest in the bed-chamber of her sanctuary, and went out and ministered unto them. And when the supper was ended, they went down rejoicing, and glorifying the God of Israel. (9)

 
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DIVINE MERCY

 

Divine Mercy In my soul
 

The Mercy of the Lord I will sing Forever.
Divine Mercy in my soul.
Sr. Faustina, Diary
 

NOTEBOOK V I

J.M.J.
 

Cracow-Pradnik, June 2, 1938 Three day Retreat.
Under the direction of Master Jesus, who Himself commanded me to make this retreat, and who selected the days on which I was to make it; namely, the three days preceding Pentecost and who, Himself, conducted this retreat.
However, I asked my confessor [probably Father Andrasz] whether I could make such a retreat, and I received his permission. I also asked Mother Superior [Irene] and received her permission too. I had resolved that I would not make the retreat unless I obtained the permission of the superiors. I began a novena to the Holy Spirit, and waited for Mother Superior’s answer.

I should be beginning the retreat today, but I have not yet received news of Mother superiors decision. When I went to Church for the evening devotions, I saw the Lord Jesus during the litany. My daughter, we are beginning the retreat. I answered, “Jesus, my dearest Master, I ask Your forgiveness, but I cannot make the retreat, because I have received no news as to whether Mother superior allows it or not.” Do not worry, My daughter, the superior has given her permission. You will learn of it tomorrow morning. But we are to start the retreat today.
And indeed, Mother superior had telephoned that evening to the sister who is looking after me during my illness [sister David], asking her to tell me that I was allowed to make the retreat, but the sister had forgotten to tell me. It was only next morning that she told me, and she was very apologetic that she had not told me the day before. I answered her, “please do not worry. I have already started my retreat, according to the superior’s wish.”

The First Day.
In the evening, Jesus gave me the subject for meditation. At the first moment, my heart was filled with fear and joy. Then I pressed myself close to His Heart, and the fear vanished; only joy remained. I felt entirely like a child of God, and the Lord said to me, Fear nothing. What has been forbidden to others has been given to you. The graces that are not given to other souls to discern, not even from a distance, nourish you every day, like the daily bread.

Consider, My daughter, who it is to whom your heart is so closely united by the vows. Before I made the world, I loved you with the love your heart is experiencing today and, throughout the centuries, My love will never change.

Application.
At the very thought of Him to whom my heart is wedded, my soul entered into profound recollection, and the hour passed like a minute. In this state of recollection, I came to know the attributes of God. Burning with an inner fire of love, I went out to the garden to cool off; when I looked up at the heavens, a new flame of love flooded my heart.

Then I heard the words: My daughter, have you exhausted the subject I gave you? If so, I’ll give you a new one. I answered, “O Infinite Majesty, eternity will not be enough for me to know You… but my love for You has become more intense. As a token of gratitude, I lay my heart at Your feet, like a rosebud. May its fragrance delight Your Divine Heart, now and for eternity… what a paradise it is for a soul when the heart knows itself to be so loved by God…”

Today, you will read chapter fifteen of the Gospel of Saint John. I want you to read it very slowly.

Second Meditation.
My daughter, consider the life of God which is found in the Church for the salvation and the sanctification of your soul. Consider the use that you make of these treasures of grace’ of these efforts of My love.

Application:
O most compassionate Jesus, I have not always known how to profit from these priceless gifts, because I have paid too little attention to the gift itself and too much to the vessel in which You were giving me Your gifts. My most sweet Master, it will be different from now on. I will put Your gifts to the best use of which my soul is capable. Living faith will support me. Whatever the form might be, under which You send me Your grace, I will accept it as coming directly from You, without considering the vessel in which you send it. If it will not always be within my power to accept it with joy, I will always accept it with submission to Your Holy will.

Conference on Spiritual Warfare.
My daughter, I want to teach you about spiritual warfare. Never trust in yourself, but abandon yourself totally to My will. In desolation, darkness and various doubts, have recourse to Me and to your spiritual director. He will always answer you in My name. Do not bargain with any temptation; lock yourself immediately in My Heart and, at the first opportunity, reveal the temptation to he confessor. Put your self-love in the last place, so that it does not taint your deeds. Bear with yourself with great patience. Do not neglect interior mortifications. Always justify to yourself the opinions of your superiors and of your confessor. Shun murmurers like a plague. Let all act as they like; you are to act as I want you to.

Observe the rule as faithfully as you can. If someone causes you trouble, think what good you can do for the person who caused you to suffer. Do not pour out your feelings. Be silent when you are rebuked. Do not ask everyone’s opinion, but only the opinion of your confessor; be as frank and simple as a child with him. Do not become discouraged by ingratitude. Do not examine with curiosity the roads down which I lead you. When boredom and discouragement beat against your heart, run away from yourself and hide in My Heart. Do not fear struggle; courage itself often intimidates temptations, and they dare not attack us.

Always fight with the deep conviction that I am with you. Do not be guided by feeling, because it is not always under your control; but all merit lies in the will. Always depend upon your superiors, even in the smallest things. I will not delude you with prospects of peace and consolations; on the contrary, prepare for great battles. Know that you are now on a great stage where all heaven and earth are watching you. Fight like a knight, so that I can reward you. Do not be unduly fearful, because you are not alone.


 

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 CATHOLIC  TEACHING/CONVICTION/TESTIMONY

   

The Truth About Love & Sex

CHAPTER 10

A Happy Marriage: Giving the Gift

by Keith & Tami Kiser
 

You are the future of family life.
You are the future of the joy of loving.
You are the future of making your life
something beautiful for God ...
a pure love.
That you love a girl
or that you love a boy
is beautiful,
but don't spoil it,
don't destroy it.
Keep it pure.
Keep your heart virgin.
Keep your love virgin,
so that on the day of your marriage
you can give something
beautiful to each other ...
the joy of a pure love.

-- Mother Teresa of Calcutta, to young people (as quoted in YOU! Magazine, May 1992)

What Am I Going to Do with My Life?

This is an important question that is often difficult for high-school students to answer. Finding your niche in the world can be quite confusing and frightening these days.

But don't sweat it, because God is in control. One thing you can be certain of is that God wants your life to be something beautiful for him. And the most beautiful thing anyone can do is to seek to live and love like Jesus did.

Regardless of which career you choose, or whether you marry or remain single, God is asking you to pursue holiness above anything else. Holiness is the vocation of every person. God wants each one of us to become a saint. Saints are normal people who strive to always do what God wants, no matter what the consequences are.

Married or Single?

Which does God want for you? God calls many to marriage, while others he wants to be single so that they can devote themselves wholeheartedly to Christ and his Church.

The rest of this chapter is about serving God through marriage, but we need to consider what the single life is all about before we move on.

It's a fact -- God doesn't want some people to get married. To these individuals he has given the special gift of celibacy, which is simply the lifelong state of being unmarried. God gives this gift to some in order that they can do his work with a single-minded devotion. Some celibate people are called to the priesthood and the religious life, while others remain laypersons who work in ordinary jobs.

As we will see in this chapter, marriage (or matrimony) is a great sacrament as well as a demanding path to holiness; but celibacy for the sake of the kingdom of God is a higher calling. Service to the Church through the celibate state is a great ideal that should be held in high esteem.

In a book of this nature it is necessary to point out that those who embrace celibacy do not deny their gift of sexuality. On the contrary, they affirm it by giving it to God. Men and women give their respective masculinity and femininity to the service of the Church.

In marriage, couples honor God by giving a total gift of themselves to each other. In celibacy, individuals give a total gift of themselves to Christ and his Church.

The Church is in need of those who recognize the call of God to celibacy to courageously embrace that gift. The Church needs modern-day apostles who are willing to give up the goods of marriage and family for the sake of working for the kingdom of God.

But the Church is also in need of good Catholic marriages. The important thing to remember is that no matter which state God calls you to (marriage or celibacy), the ultimate goal is your holiness.

Let's now turn to God's understanding of holiness through marriage.

Marriage: Does It Work Anymore?

Mother Teresa got it exactly right. Marital love is something beautiful. Two people sharing themselves totally and unselfishly for a lifetime -- not many things on this earth are better than this. One thing that possibly rivals the expression of marital love is holding your newborn child for the first time. (And in case you haven't figured it out, the two are closely related!)

But maybe marriage is the farthest thing from your mind right now. Maybe you're not even dating. (No need to rush things.) Your biggest concern might be handling the crazy schedule of the average high-school student: getting your mid-term project in before the deadline, making it to your after-school job on time, finding time to squeeze in your ballet class or football practice, and even managing to eke out a social life.

"Who has time to think about dating seriously, let alone about marriage? And besides, I'm not so sure I want to get married. I mean, my folks are divorced. I see the pain marriage has caused them. I'm not so sure marriage works anymore."

Yet, most of us fall in love. We date. We break up. We fall in love again. This time, we date seriously. And before we know it, we’re engaged and on our way down the aisle.

It happens to the best of us. Before you realize it, you will likely be walking down the aisle.

But you're right, nearly half the marriages in America don't work, ending in divorce -- leaving a trail of brokenness in their paths. So we hesitate. We wonder, "Is it worth the risk? Why isn't it working? Is the dream of a lifelong, happy marriage and family life a relic from a forgotten world?"

Who can blame you for thinking this way?

Does marriage still work? Absolutely! Is it possible to be happily married? You better believe it is!

But we're convinced that it's only possible if a couple approaches marriage in the right way. The way you view marriage is very important. Your future happiness will largely depend upon the success or failure of your future marriage. But where can you look to find a view of marriage that really works?

Definitely not on most TV shows. Like the media's view of sex, their presentation of marriage leaves a lot to be desired. The following story of Lustful Luke and Selfish Sabrina is typical of how marriage is shown.

Lustful Luke and Selfish Sabrina

From the moment Lustful Luke saw her, he knew he had to have her. He first spotted her from the other side of the room at the Country Club cocktail party. There she was, standing alone in her sexy, black sequined dress. Curves in all the right places; long, flowing brown hair; and luscious red lips. Selfish Sabrina was the woman of Lustful Luke's dreams.

From the moment Selfish Sabrina saw him, she knew she had to have him. She had been waiting for this moment all night. Their eyes met and she knew it was him right away. Everything about him said "money." From his custom-made designer tux to his black alligator shoes and his gold cufflinks, she knew this man must be Lustful Luke. She knew about his mansion in Beverly Hills and his condo in Paris. And she guessed correctly that the red BMW she spotted in the parking lot was his. She had to meet him. Luke was the man of Selfish Sabrina's dreams.

Three weeks after they met, they were married by a justice of the peace while on a weekend getaway to Rio.

They had a great marriage. They each got what they wanted. But then it happened. Selfish Sabrina got pregnant. She couldn't wait to cuddle her little one, but Lustful Luke wasn't thrilled. It was her figure. It was gone. Her ankles swelled and she gained forty-five pounds during the pregnancy.

Now more than ever, Lustful Luke's secretary was looking very good. They made arrangements for secret rendezvous at the No-Tell Hotel. But much to Luke's misfortune, the rendezvous were so frequent that his investments were neglected and one day he lost everything.

Well, when Selfish Sabrina found out that they had to sell the mansion, the condo, and the BMW and move into a two-bedroom apartment above a pizza shop, she was furious.

After fighting for one day, Selfish Sabrina and Lustful Luke decided that it would be best if they got a divorce --so they did.

Four months later, Lustful Luke married his secretary, and Selfish Sabrina, who had given birth to a son, ran off with her doctor.

To be continued.

Doomed to Failure: Conditional Marriages Based on Selfish 'Love'

Why didn't this marriage work? It's obvious to all: Lustful Luke and Selfish Sabrina had a lousy approach to marriage. It was a marriage based upon what each person would gain from marrying the other. In this case, sex and wealth. When those things vanished, so did the marriage.

This story may seem extreme, and it is. But it represents a common view held (sometimes unconsciously) today: When my spouse doesn't meet my needs and wants anymore, it's time to leave and find a new one who does.

There's another version: If my needs and wants change and my spouse doesn't, it's time to leave and find a new spouse.

This is a conditional view of marriage. As long as certain (unspoken) conditions are met, we'll live happily ever after. "Commitment" and "love" are based upon these conditions. When the conditions are not met, the "commitment" and "love" vanish and the marriage with it. Conditional marriages are based upon selfish "love," and, for that reason, they simply don't work.

In conditional marriages, the spouse is ultimately treated as an object or thing to be discarded when "it" is no longer useful. This view of marriage can be compared to a business contract between two people. A contract is honored as long as it's beneficial for each of the partners. If the marriage is good for me, then I'll stay with it. If not, I'm outta here.

It seems likely that many of the fifty percent of marriages that end in divorce had a conditional and selfish element to their relationship. This conditional attitude may not have been expressed or even recognized by the divorced couple, but it was surely present in most of these marriages.

A selfish and conditional approach to marriage is not what God intended for marriage. And because it's contrary to God's will, it's doomed to failure and pain.

But there's a much better approach to marriage -- one that's guaranteed to succeed. It's a view of marriage that's based, not on conditional or self-interested love, but on a total, unconditional gift of self to one's spouse. Let's take a look at how God has designed marriage to work.

Marriage: A Total Gift of Yourself

When we were dating, we spent what seemed like a ton of cash buying gifts for one another. We still have sweaters, jewelry, and stuffed animals that we bought for each other. We gave each other these gifts to express our love and affection. You can all probably relate to giving gifts as tokens of your love for family and friends. This is what gifts are for. This is why we feel rejected if somebody doesn't like the present we gave him or her. The gift is more than the material object -- it symbolizes our love.

And if the gift is rejected, our love seems rejected as well.

Well, marriage is a time for gifts that express love. We spent hours opening our wedding gifts after our honeymoon. But more important than all the wedding gifts is the gift that the newlyweds give to each other.

In happy marriages, couples decide to express their love for one another by giving the ultimate gift that two people can give to each other -- themselves. The material gifts received at a wedding can be very nice, but they don't compare to the gift that the new spouses give to each other while standing before their family and friends at the altar.

Back in Chapter 2, we highlighted the truth that each one of us has a built-in desire to love with the same kind of total love that God has for us. This desire is "built-in" because we are made like God -- "in his image." In fact, this desire to love selflessly and totally is so real that we only really achieve happiness and meaning in life if we love this way.

This total, selfless, Godlike love is what God has intended for married couples. It's only when spouses love each other in this way that happiness in marriage is possible. It's vitally important to understand that a happy marriage demands a total gift of yourself. This gift of self must also be unconditional. Happy marriages involve two people saying to each other: "I love you. I want to bind myself to you forever. I give myself to you totally, without holding anything back. Out of love, I give you my body, my mind, my heart, my love, my loyalty, my trust, my affection, my money, my dreams, my desires, my wants, my interests, and my goals." (Cf. CCC 2364, 1627, 1644.)

Real Love Is More Than a Feeling -- It's Total Commitment

This total and unconditional gift of self to one's spouse demands a real love based upon commitment, not merely on feelings. It's a shame, but real love is so often confused these days with feelings. We've all said things like: "He's so cute; I just love him." Or, "She's got a great body, I think I love her." Obviously, comments like these don't really reflect real love. They merely relate how a person "feels" about someone at that particular moment.

It's a big deal when your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you that he or she loves you, but is he or she expressing real love or just warm feelings toward you? From experience, it's our hunch that many so-called "loves" are really just infatuation or sexual attraction, not real love.

Real love means commitment forever. Don't get us wrong -- feelings are a part of real love, but there is much more than feelings involved in love. A marital love based exclusively on feeling is headed for trouble, because feelings change -- sometimes radically and quickly. (Keith remembers being dumped for another guy the very day after his first girlfriend told him that she loved him!)

Feelings are usually based upon outward appearances or upon the way you are being treated. But the truth is: Your future spouse is not always going to look great. Age, tiredness, and pregnancy all make it impossible for us to maintain a youthful appearance, nor is your future spouse always going to treat you like a king or a queen.

Most people have bad habits and defects that are quite difficult to live with sometimes. In fact, chances are fairly good that at some point in your future marriage your spouse is going to seriously disappoint you and cause you emotional pain. The bottom line is: You probably won't always feel in love with your spouse. But that doesn't mean you don't love him or her. Happily married couples know that real love goes much deeper than feelings.

Love that is based solely on feelings is not strong enough to last through tough times. On the other hand, love that is totally committed (no matter how one may feel at the time) can ride out any storm that a marriage may bring.

'I Love Him So Much -- I Think I'll Just Die'

In Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, the lovers prove their love for one another by their willingness to die for their love. We are convinced that marital love is just as romantic. And like Romeo and Juliet, marital love involves a "death."

To give yourself totally to another person means that you are willing to die to yourself. This means death to your own interests, for the sake of your spouse. Another way of saying the same thing is to say that marital love is a self-sacrificial love. Like natural death, dying to yourself in marriage can be quite painful at times. But marital love demands it.

Think about it. Before marriage, you are basically free to do whatever you please. If you want to buy a new outfit and you have the money, you buy it. If you want to go out with your friends, you do it. But after marriage, you must consider the best interests of your spouse before you act. As we're sure you recognize, this can be difficult when what you want to do differs from what is best for your spouse. In many small ways, every day, marital love calls for a death to self.

St. Paul compares marital love to the kind of love that Jesus has for us, his Church. St. Paul says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). How did Christ show love for his Church? He died for it. He gave everything so that we could be happy. Christ is asking for the same kind of love between spouses.

It's only through death to our own self-interests that we come to experience true love, joy, and happiness in marriage. Before Christ could rise triumphantly from the dead, he had to die. The same is true in marriage. When each spouse dies to selfish desires, they are then "resurrected" into a deep, loving union that's stronger than any other human relationship.

But why would anyone want to give of oneself like this to another person? Love, of course.

And here's the great part: Your spouse is giving totally of himself or herself, too. Marriage involves not only giving a gift but also receiving one. Could there be a better gift than the total love and commitment of the one whom you love totally? We don't think so. Marriage is something beautiful for God!

The Key to Great Sex

Do you want to have a great sex life someday?

We have just told you how to have one. Give yourself totally and unconditionally to your future spouse and you will be doing the most important thing possible to ensure a great sex life. A recent study by the Family Research Council indicated that seventy-two percent of the people who have this kind of a marriage report high sexual satisfaction. This is a thirty-one percent higher rate of satisfaction than those who have sex outside of marriage.

Popular fashion and "self-help" magazines don't understand this. Nearly one story a month appears in each of these magazines related to improving your sex life. A recent article in Redbook is entitled: "Have the sex life you always wanted: How to have it now." What the writers of articles such as these don't understand is that sex is only really good (that is, emotionally, physically, and morally good) when it's in the context of a total, unconditional marriage relationship.

They think that good sex is achieved by perfecting the right technique in order to gain the most physical pleasure. But there is so much more to good sex than the physical aspect. Sex is intended by God to be an expression of real, unconditional, committed marital love. When this sacrificial love and its corresponding total commitment in marriage are missing, sex is reduced to physical pleasure. And this pleasure, by itself, doesn't satisfy. If it did, prostitutes would be the happiest people in the world. But they're not.

Sexual intercourse is the expression (in a bodily way) of the total gift that a husband and wife have given to each other. Sex celebrates this total gift of love; and at the same time, it deepens the marital bond and makes it more real. Sex without the total gift of self in marriage is empty and hollow -- just ask a prostitute.

Great Sex Is Open to Life

There's another related sex myth circulating in America these days. It suggests that it's normal to want sexual intercourse without the possibility of producing a child. The pleasure and union from sex are sought by such couples -- but without the risk of conceiving a child. This is achieved with the use of artificial contraceptives or birth control.

This is an unnatural rejection of a very good gift that God gives couples through sexual intercourse. It's unnatural because children are not something foreign to a marriage; rather, they spring from the very heart of marital love. (Cf. CCC 2368, 1652-1654.)

As we've mentioned in Chapter 4, sex was created by God not only to be life-uniting but also to create a new human life through this intimate union. The life-uniting and life-giving aspects of sexual intercourse are two sides of the same coin. For this reason, the Catechism of the Catholic Church tells us what the Church has always taught: "Each and every marriage act must remain open to the transmission of life" (CCC 2366).

Having sexual intercourse while deliberately ruling out the possibility of having a child by using artificial birth control can be compared to ordering a chocolate-fudge sundae and scraping off all the chocolate fudge and eating only the ice cream. The best part of the sundae has been wasted.

We have highlighted the fact that a happy marriage demands a total gift of self. Using contraceptives contradicts this kind of total gift. It says, "I will give you everything, except my ability to make a new life." It says no to the new creation of a couple's love. It's a holding back of a very important part of the gift. This is one reason why the Catholic Church has always taught that using artificial birth control of any kind is seriously sinful. (Cf. CCC 2399.)

There are a number of related reasons why each act of sexual intercourse must remain open to the possibility of new life.

1. God views children as always a blessing from him, and never as a curse. Verses 3 and 5 of Psalm 127 tell us that "sons are a heritage from the Lord; / the fruit of the womb a reward / ... / Happy is the man who has / his quiver full of them!" The Catechism of the Catholic Church echoes these verses when it says clearly that "Sacred Scripture and the Church's traditional practice see in large families a sign of God's blessing and the parents' generosity" (No. 2373).

To a home, children add life and joy that is not present without them. Their smiles, energy, childhood innocence, and daily discoveries have a way of keeping a home young and alive.

Children also bind their parents to one another. In their children, parents see a living symbol of their love and union. The married couples we know who have several children have a marriage relationship that is very fresh and alive. Couples who are "childless by choice" can easily get bored with one another. A relationship becomes sterile when it's focused on self-interests to the exclusion of having children.

Children have a way of bringing out the best in their parents. They force parents to live a self-sacrificial love daily. Small children are totally helpless. They can't eat, bathe, or get dressed without Mom or Dad. This has a way of calling forth the best virtues from the couple. Children are indeed a blessing from the Lord!

2. Married couples who respect the life-giving power of sexual intercourse by not using artificial birth control are less likely to treat one another as sexual objects. There's a danger, even in marriage, of treating your spouse as an object who is there to fulfill your sexual desires. It's pretty hard to have this happen when all your acts of sexual intercourse are potentially life-producing. For couples who don't use contraception, sex is recognized for what it really is: a very powerful (life-giving) gift from God.

3. Those married couples who don't use contraception are much more likely to have a happy and successful marriage. The evidence is overwhelming. The divorce rate is less than five percent for those who don't use artificial birth control. Conversely, forty to sixty percent of those Catholics who don't follow this teaching end up divorced!

God really does bless those who are faithful to him.

A married couple we were friends with in college gave us some great advice when it comes to being generous with having children. They told us simply, "You can't outgive God! Because nobody is more generous than God." What they meant was that the more we give of ourselves to God through obedience to him (in this case, by not using artificial birth control), the more God will bless us -- because God will not be outdone in generosity. We can't think of better advice to give newly married couples. God has certainly not let us down!

NFP: Natural Family Planning

With all that we've just said, you might get the impression that God wants married couples to have as many children as is physically possible. Or you might think that every time you have sexual intercourse with your spouse you must make a baby. Both of these ideas are not what the Church teaches.

As we've said, the Church does teach that using artificial contraception is always wrong. Each act of intercourse must be open to new life. Nothing should be done to any act of sexual intercourse to shut off the possibility of producing a child. Artificial birth control deliberately blocks the potential conception of a new child. It intentionally tries to separate the life-giving from the life-uniting aspect of sex. This is an abuse of our sexual gift.

Because it's always wrong to use artificial birth control, there can be no time when it is the right thing to do.

But is there a moral way to regulate birth? We'll turn to this question after we clear up a misunderstanding related to this Church teaching.

Don't misunderstand what the Church says. Sex that doesn't make a baby is still morally good. In fact, even if a married couple recognizes that getting pregnant is highly unlikely because of the woman's cycle (more on this later), it's still morally good to have sex.

In fact, the Catholic Church recognizes that there are times in a marriage when having a child could cause great hardship to the family. For situations such as this, the Church recommends natural family planning, or NFP. Pope Paul VI, in his encyclical letter Humanae Vitae (from the Latin, literally meaning "of human life"), states the Church's position: "If ... there are serious motives to space out births, which derive from the physical or psychological condition of husband and wife, or from external conditions, the Church teaches that it is then licit to take into account the natural rhythms immanent in the generative functions, for the use of marriage in the infecund periods only, and in this way to regulate birth without offending the moral principles . . . " (No. 16).

In plain language, this paragraph is saying that married couples may morally make use of what is now called NFP to avoid getting pregnant, if there is a serious reason. (Cf. CCC 2368, 2370.)

NFP is based upon scientific studies of women's menstrual cycles. Doctors have discovered that there are certain signs in a woman's body that reveal when she is ovulating. Ovulation is when an egg is released from a woman's ovaries. Ovulation occurs normally once a month. It's only around the time of ovulation that it's possible for a woman to become pregnant.

NFP teaches couples to recognize and chart the signs of ovulation. This can be done very accurately. If there are serious reasons for avoiding pregnancy, married couples can avoid pregnancy by not having sexual intercourse during the days when ovulation occurs and immediately before and after ovulation. It takes some self-control, but studies have shown NFP to be as effective at avoiding pregnancy as any method of artificial contraception.

However, NFP is very different from artificial contraception. When using NFP, sex is avoided during ovulation to avoid pregnancy, but the sex act is not altere in any way to make it incapable of conceiving a baby.

Those who use NFP simply don't have sexual intercourse when they don't want to get pregnant.

Using artificial birth control is different from this. Those who use artificial contraception still have sex, but they alter the reproductive forces to make the sex childless, And this is what makes it immoral.

There are a number of different methods of NFP, but there is not space here to go into the specifies of how each method of NFP works. However, if you are close to marrying and would like more information about the specifies of practicing NFP, there are organizations that will be happy to send you information. One of the most popular groups is the Couple to Couple League International, Inc., P.O. Box I 11184, Cincinnati, OH 45211.

We want to close this section on a personal note. Following the Church teaching that forbids artificial contraception has been, without a doubt, the greatest blessing of our marriage! At this writing, we have six precious little gifts from God to prove it. It has helped us to gain a real respect and understanding of our sexuality that we didn't have when we were dating. It's our personal belief that couples who go wrong here are making the biggest mistake possible toward the destruction of their marriages.

Permanently Hitched

As we've seen, marital love demands a total gift of self. It follows from this that the total gift of self is a permanent gift. In theological terms, a valid marriage is what the Church calls "indissoluble." This means that the marriage bond is so real that it cannot be broken by anyone, even the spouses themselves. (Cf. CCC 1640, 2382.)

Have you ever given a gift and then decided to take it back? You wouldn't think of doing this. Once the gift is given, it's given and that's that.

Well, when two baptized persons give themselves to each other totally in marriage, they can't decide later to take back the gift. If there was an option of taking the gift back, then the marriage would not consist of a "total" giving. But the gift of self in marriage is total, and therefore it's permanent.

We mentioned earlier in this chapter that conditional and self-interested marriages are based on a contractual understanding of marriage. If the contract benefits both parties, they stay with it. If it no longer offers benefit, the contract is not renewed and the relationship ends.

God doesn't view marriage as a contract. Rather, he created marriage to be a covenant between two people. One of the differences between a covenant and a contract is that a covenant is a permanent bond between two parties. It's a bond that has life-and-death implications.

God is the model for knowing what a covenant is. The Bible records God making a covenant with his chosen people. The covenants that God makes are permanent. They are life-and-death bonds.

Consider the final covenant that God made with his Church. The Bible calls this covenant a marriage between God and his bride, the Church. God established this permanent bond by sending his Son. The covenant was sealed permanently in Christ's blood on the cross. When God makes a covenant, he wants us to know that it's serious business. God has shown us how serious he is about keeping the covenant with his people by offering his Son on the cross.

Marriage is a covenant between two people; therefore it's a bond that cannot be broken. And the covenant between spouses is even, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church says, "sealed by God himself... Thus the marriage bond has been established by God himself in such a way that a marriage concluded and consummated between baptized persons can never be dissolved" (Nos. 1639-1640; second emphasis added).

So even if a couple want to end a valid marriage, they can't. Because in God's eyes (and in reality), the marriage bond is permanent. Jesus made this clear when he explained that when two people marry, the bond is so real that they become one flesh, and thus they cannot be separated because "from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother [and be joined to his wife], and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate" (Mark 10:6-9; NAB).

Because this bond is so real, no human being (not even a judge or the Church) can really separate a married couple.

"But how does this square with civil divorce and remarriage?" you may ask. "Just about anyone who wants a divorce can get one. And people get remarried all the time. Yet, you say that it's impossible to end a valid marriage. I don't get it."

Marriages that are ended in the court of law aren't really over. The covenant continues even if the spouses and the courts don't recognize that it still exists. This is why Jesus has said, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery. "

Out of faithfulness to Christ, the Church does not recognize civil divorces and remarriages, pointing out "that a new union cannot be recognized as valid, if the first marriage was. If the divorced are remarried civilly, they find themselves in a situation that objectively contravenes God's law. Consequently, they cannot receive Eucharistic communion as long as this situation persists" (CCC 1650).

You may have heard about the Church granting annulments to couples. Isn't an annulment the Church's way of divorcing people?

No, an annulment is very different from a divorce. An annulment is simply the recognition by the Church that the marriage bond never really took place between the couple, while a divorce seeks to separate people who are really married.

It is not within the scope of this book to give a detailed explanation of annulments. The following excerpt from The Teaching of Christ, 4th Edition (published by Our Sunday Visitor) is a good summary of what an annulment is: "Some apparent marriages that 'fail' were in fact never true marriages. No real marriage covenant was established if one or both of the partners failed to give, or were incapable of giving, free consent; or if one or both did not intend a real marriage, a bond of faithful love at least in principle open to offspring. If for any reason an apparent marriage was not a genuine marriage from the start, it may be possible to obtain from the Church an official acknowledgment of that fact, that is, an annulment, or, more exactly, a decree of nullity. Each diocese is required to have a matrimonial tribunal or court to hear and judge matrimonial cases. Should it be determined that one had not been validly married, genuine marriage with another partner would not be excluded."

Marriage: A Holy Calling

As we hope you can tell from what we've said, marriage is a totally unique relationship. It makes two people one; it helps spouses to love like God does; it creates new life; and it's a permanent bond. There is no other human relationship that does these things. But there is something else marriage does that we haven't yet mentioned explicitly. In fact, all of these other things are meant to lead to this final thing.

The most important thing marriage does is that it helps the spouses become more like God. The Church understands marriage to be a holy calling from God. Through this state in life, a person has an obligation to become more holy, more like Christ.

The primary purpose of marriage, in fact, is to lead spouses to God. There are all kinds of secondary reasons for marrying: starting and nurturing a family, companionship, the pursuit of happiness, etc. But, ultimately, mariiage is meant to help the spouses gain heaven.

Yet, God has not left spouses to try to become holy on their own. Jesus has raised marriage to the level of a sacrament. The sacraments are the main way that God gives his people his divine life. (Cf. CCC 1638, 1641-1642.)

There are seven sacraments: baptism, confirmation, Eucharist, reconciliation, anointing of the sick, holy orders, and marriage. These sacraments were given as gifts by Jesus to the Church. They are signs through which we actually receive God's life into our souls. Through each of the sacraments, Jesus directly works in the soul of the Catholic to transform him or her into the likeness of God.

Does it seem strange to you that marriage is a sacrament? It seems so ordinary. How can changing diapers, washing clothes, doing yard work, paying bills, grocery shopping, and all the other mundane aspects of marital life be holy? Yet, God has seen fit to make marriage a means of giving his divine life to us.

And here 's the neat part: In the sacrament of marriage, it's the spouses who give the sacrament to one another. In baptism, Christ works through the person who baptizes to cleanse the soul from sin and fill it with divine life. In the Eucharist, the priest acts in the person of Christ to give us Christ's life in his very body and blood. In marriage, it's the spouses who act as Christ for each other. (Cf. CCC 1623.)

Christ is the source of the grace that couples give to one another. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (No. 1642) mentions many ways that Jesus helps couples who are in a sacramental marriage. They are worth listing:

-Christ dwells with the couple.

-Christ gives them strength to take up the crosses that usually come in marriage.

-Christ helps them to rise again after they have fallen.

-Christ helps spouses to forgive one another.

-Christ gives them the strength to bear one another's burdens.

-Christ helps them "to be subject to one another out of love for him" (Ephesians 5:2 1).

-And Christ helps them to love one another in a supernatural, tender, and fruitful manner.

As you can see, there's a lot more to marriage than meets the eye. God is at work here. If you seek him in your future marriage, you will find him.

Conclusion: Choosing a Mate

After taking a serious look at what's really involved in marriage, it becomes apparent that one's choice of a lifelong partner is very significant. We want to conclude this chapter with a number of factors that should be seriously considered when deciding whom to marry.

The following considerations are based on everything we have said thus far in this chapter about marriage -- it's a total gift of self that God is intimately involved in.

1. The person you marry should be a baptized Christian who is actively seeking to please God through his or her life. This is the basic consideration. It's basic because a person's faith determines everything else about him or her. A person's faith generally determines what one's main goal in life is.

You will want to be totally bonded only to someone who has the same goal in life that you have. That goal should be to please Jesus Christ and one day live with him eternally in heaven.

2. It's best if you marry a baptized Catholic who is committed to the teaching of the Catholic faith. There are a number of reasons why it's clearly best for a Catholic to marry a Catholic instead of a baptized, non-Catholic Christian. All of these reasons are related to the complete unity that is less likely attainable in a mixed marriage. For this reason, the Church requires that a Catholic get express permission from Church authorities to marry a baptized, non-Catholic Christian.

One major source of disunity in "mixed marriages" is how sexuality is understood. Many non-Catholic Christians don't have the same view of sex that Catholics do. Artificial birth control is permitted by most of these denominations. Not having unity in this matter can be devastating.

Marrying a Catholic who is committed to the Church assures that both partners are open to the new gift (or gifts) of life that God wants to bring into the marriage. Even more, the Church is calling Catholics to be generously open to this new life. Will your non-Catholic husband or wife be generously open to life? Are children considered to be a necessary burden to the marriage or are they viewed as treasured gifts from God that bring life and joy into a home? Difficulties will definitely arise if there is not unity on this point.

And how are the children in a mixed marriage going to be raised? The Catholic spouse has an obligation to raise and educate his or her children in the Catholic faith.

It will be hard to do this if Dad is going to the local Presbyterian Church while Mom and the kids head to Mass. The kids will see your disunity and wonder why. This could cause them great confusion.

Wouldn't you want your spouse to share with you and your children the same Eucharist? A non-Catholic Christian spouse is not permitted to receive the same sacraments (aside from baptism) that Catholics receive. It seems to us that a sacramental disunity will likely hinder the overall unity of the marriage. (Cf. CCC 1633-1637.)

3. Is this person committed to the virtue of chastity?Another important consideration to ask yourself is: What's your potential spouse's view of the virtue of chastity? How has he or she treated his or her sexuality in the past? By practicing the virtue of chastity, has he or she protected the gift for you? Does he or she even know about the virtue of chastity?

If your potential spouse hasn't yet developed this virtue, you had better give this a lot of thought. Because there is a good chance you are headed for unfaithfulness in your future marriage.

As we've mentioned, people can begin again regarding the virtue of chastity -- but don't fool yourself into thinking that someone has begun again when he or she really hasn't. This beginning again needs to be demonstrated over a period of time.

Even if he or she has begun again, you should still be aware that problems can still be carried into a marriage because of previous unchastity. Bonds created with past partners, possible STDs, and uncomfortable past memories from a promiscuous sex life can still cause problems even if he or she has truly begun again.

The virtue of chastity is also important because trust is dependent upon it. And if there is no trust, then a healthy relationship is not possible.

4. Look to marry someone who is working hard to develop all the human virtues. The virtue of chastity is not the only virtue to consider when choosing your future spouse. Here is a laundry list of virtues that must be developed to help ensure a happy marriage. Is he or she ...

-hard working?
-self-controlled?
-honest?
-kind and compassionate to those who are suffering?
-just and fair?
-patient?
-generous?
-merciful and understanding of people's weaknesses?

No one has obtained all of these virtues completely. What's important is that your future spouse (and for that matter, you) should be working on these virtues and headed in the right direction. As we have already mentioned, marriage has a way of developing many of these virtues. But for these virtues to grow in marriage, the seeds need to be firmly planted before marriage.

In conclusion, the above are four important considerations when contemplating whom to marry. Obviously, there are other important considerations: attraction, complementary personalities, respect, and the like. But we are convinced that if you seriously consider the four criteria we have listed in this section, you can't go too far wrong. To enter a marriage without considering these four factors could lead to big trouble and future unhappiness.

It's good to consider these factors before you "fall in love," because "love" can really be blind sometimes. Deciding who to marry is serious business. Choose wisely!

 

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để rồi chính thức tái ra mắt vào ngày 25/3/2003 cho đến nay.

 

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