|
by Keith & Tami Kiser
'I Hope You Weren't Speeding'
Keith will never forget his first speeding
ticket. We were coming home on a winding country
road from a relaxing fall afternoon in the park.
We had a nice picnic and long walk through woods
whose trees were decked with red, brown, and
yellow leaves.
It was the perfect study break. The day was
just right until it happened. Tami suddenly
interrupted our conversation with, "I hope you
weren't speeding. There was a cop sitting in the
driveway we just passed."
We were relieved when he didn't pull out
behind us. Our hearts slowed down and we
returned to our conversation. Then we saw
another cop as we rounded the sharp curve. He
was standing firmly in the center of the road,
pointing to his left. We pulled over --the
"victims" of a speed trap.
The officer told us that we were traveling at
52 mph. Not too bad. Trouble was --the speed
limit was 30 mph.
We both almost cried when the officer handed
Keith a $138 speeding ticket.
Our shock soon turned to anger. Keith felt
tricked. He felt trapped. And besides, the speed
limit was too low. This speeding ticket wasn't
fair.
Even so, we realized (after we cooled off)
that it was fair. Keith did break the law and he
must deal with the consequences, no matter how
painful it was for him to write that check.
(Keith had been saving for a new stereo
receiver.)
It's not too far a jump, then, from the rules
of driving to the way of sexuality: If we choose
to disregard God's plan for our sexuality, we'll
likely face several painful consequences.
God's gift of sexuality is very good indeed.
But sex is abused if it's used outside of
marriage. And the costs of abuse are often
pricey.
Spiritual Costs
Before you think that you can skip over this
section because it is about "spiritual things,"
please realize that this is the most important
consequence and can be the most damaging.
Remember (as we saw in Chapter 2), our
happiness, value, and meaning are intimately
tied to our relationship with God.
It's our experience that nearly all teens
care very much about their relationship with
God. But it has also been our experience that
other concerns (popularity, good times, sports,
and the like) often take priority. God is
shelved until later in life. "After I've had my
fun, then I'll take my faith seriously. I'm
young; I've got lots of time to straighten my
relationship out with God." This seems to be the
unspoken attitude among many.
Maybe it's that young people think they are
somewhat immortal. Death is not a real
possibility to most teens. But remember what
Robin Williams told his students in the movie
Dead Poets Society: All our bodies will
eventually become "worm food." All of us will
die one day. You have probably heard your
grandfather say something like this:
"Life is so short.... It just seems like
yesterday that I met your grandmother."
Now that we're both pushing thirty, we can
verify that. It doesn't seem like that long ago
that we were in your shoes. Now, we are married
with children. When you recognize that life is
so short, your spirituality suddenly takes on
importance. Remember, what you do here and now
and the decisions you make affect your
relationship with God. These ultimately impact
where you will spend eternity. And eternity
lasts a very long time!
As we saw in the last chapter, sexual sins
are very seriously wrong. In fact, sexual sins
are considered grave matter. (Cf. CCC 1855,
1857-1858.) And grave matter is the stuff mortal
sins are made of. Mortal sins completely cut us
off from God and make us unfit for heaven. St.
Paul wrote about sexual immorality. Inspired by
God, he warned, "Do not be deceived; neither the
immoral [that is, fornicators], nor idolaters,
nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor thieves,
nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor
robbers will inherit the kingdom of God" (I
Corinthians 6:9-10).
Fornication is a fancy word for saying "sex
before marriage." The original Greek word that
Paul used when he wrote this passage is a form
of the word porneia. In English, we get
the word pornography from this word. The exact
meaning of porneia is hard to pin down. But we
know that it covers a wide range of sexual sins,
including premarital sex.
Any sins that we have in our life will damage
our relationship with God. But as we have just
seen, sexual sin is very serious and it can
break off our relationship with God completely.
Mortal sins do this because (as their name
suggests) they kill God's life in our souls. And
if we leave this life without a relationship to
God (without God's life in our souls), we'll
never make it to heaven.
But why is God so strict and seemingly harsh
with this consequence? Remember, he loves us
very much. (He's not like a cop who hides in the
bushes waiting for us to mess up.) So much, in
fact, that he wants the very best for us. Sex is
beautiful --but not when it is abused. It's
certainly not worth an eternity away from God.
If you have already damaged or broken your
relationship with God because of sexual sins,
God has provided a way to receive complete
forgiveness. It's called the sacrament of
reconciliation, or penance (also known as
confession). Because God is so loving and
forgiving, he has given us a way to begin again
with him. And through this sacrament we receive
the strength needed to stay clear of future
sexual sin.
This sacrament is so vitally important for
receiving true forgiveness --and also for
providing help for staying sexually pure --that
we have devoted the entire next chapter to it.
Emotional Costs (Kristen's Experience)
Kristen, a college friend of Tami's, had a
serious dating relationship while she was in
high school. Because Kristen was one year behind
her boyfriend in school, she finished high
school in Ohio while he went off to college in
Pennsylvania. When the time came for her to
enter college, Kristen chose to go to that same
school in Pennsylvania.
Kristen continued to date this guy on and off
during her first two years of college. Many
times he broke it off and dated other girls.
Tami was always surprised to find Kristen
begging him to take her back, which he did for a
little while until the next new girl came along.
"Why do you still want to go out with him?"
Tami would ask. Kristen would reply that,
although she couldn't stand him, she couldn't
let him go. It was a painful two years for her.
Kristen was a very nice and sweet Christian
girl with many other likable traits, but she
seemed to have a few problems that confused
Tami. She lacked confidence and she had a low
self-image, especially when it came to being
with guys. She was also often oversensitive
about her own mistakes.
Tami got to know Kristen pretty well over the
next few years. And when she saw the final end
of the relationship between Kristen and her
high-school sweetheart (he got engaged to
another girl), Kristen finally confided to Tami
that she had had sexual intercourse with this
guy during high school.
Suddenly, it all made sense. Tami could now
understand why she felt so bonded to this guy
who obviously didn't treat her very well. Now it
made sense why Kristen carried this load of
guilt.
This is one side of sexual relationships that
the movies and TV shows seldom show. Hollywood
glamorizes sex. Movies and TV shows seem to deny
that there are any bad emotions involved. They
just concentrate on the romantic love.
This is not how it is in real life. As we've
seen in the last chapter, sex has a powerful way
of uniting two people emotionally as well as
physically. Sex has a way of creating a bond
that continues long after the physical part of
sexual intercourse is through.
This emotional bond is meant to thrive in the
lifelong union that only marriage can provide.
When there is no marriage commitment, the
emotional bond will unravel.
People who engage in sexual activity outside
of marriage will often carry around extra bad
feelings and emotions.
Some of these are obvious and others are not,
as was the example with Kristen. Those who have
been sexually active before marriage will likely
experience many of the emotional problems that
are sure to follow.
First of all, guilt. Their conscience
(remember that conscience is God's law in our
hearts) knows that they have done something
wrong, even if they try to rationalize it by
saying, "But we really love each other" or "We
are planning to get married anyway." They will
feel guilty. Only a conscience that has been
desensitized by our culture will not feel
guilty. Keep in mind that to possess a numb
conscience --one that doesn't know right from
wrong --is a terrible thing.
They will also feel guilty because they
probably had to lie about their sexual activity.
Lying to their parents about where they have
been or what they have been doing will make them
feel awful. Think also of the other respected
people in their lives that they will have to
face. There is the priest or the youth minister
who thinks they have so much going for them and
their grandma who thinks they're so good. What
would all these people think if they knew the
truth? It's as though sexually active teens are
living a lie in front of all those important
people.
From all of this extra guilt, it will seem as
though they have to constantly tell themselves
that what they are doing is all right or make up
excuses for themselves.
They may also begin to feel used. Girls
almost always feel this way. If not at first, at
least later on. If sexual activity does not take
place in a committed relationship (committed
enough to go down the aisle and say "I do"),
then someone was used.
If the decision to have intercourse was on
the spur of the moment or after being pressured
and persuaded, a girl can actually feel raped.
Especially if it was her first time. Her
virginity was robbed, and she will never get it
back.
We would like to share a letter we read
recently from a girl who was fourteen and very
sorry about her decision:
I was so excited when Chris asked me to
go on a date with him. He was sixteen and could
drive a car. My mom at first said, "No." She
finally gave in as long as she knew exactly
where I was. This is when the whole terrible
mess started. As Chris and I spent more and more
time together, I really fell in love with him. I
remember feeling on top of the world. He was
cute and small. He went to Mass every Sunday,
which really impressed my mom. My friends
treated me with a greater respect because I had
a real boyfriend. After our dates, we started
kissing and it eventually led to more. I felt
okay about it since we weren't actually going
all the way. And I did really love him. One
night we decided to skip going to the movies and
just go over to his house because his parents
were away. We started kissing and then he asked
me if we could go all the way. He even had a
condom to use so I wouldn't get pregnant. I
really felt that I couldn't let him down. After
all, he was a great boyfriend. I didn't think he
was asking too much of me. We did and now I am
very sorry. I wish I could live that evening
over again. I wish I would have said, "No." Our
relationship soon grew cold. It seemed the only
time that Chris was nice to me was when we were
going to have sex. We didn't even talk anymore.
I felt so used. We broke up and I am afraid to
go out on a date again. Chris, however, is
dating another girl in my class.
These feelings of guilt and of being used are
just some of the emotional problems that
frequently come with extramarital sex. All of
these problems can lead to a low self-image and
a loss of self-esteem. People with a low
self-image have problems in other areas of their
lives (meeting people, schoolwork, sports,
getting a job, etc.).
High-school students have enough to worry and
think about without these extra emotional
burdens. Do you really want this heavy emotional
burden on your shoulders during your teenage
years?
Social Costs (Tarzan and Jane)
You may think that the decision to be
sexually active will just affect you and the one
you're dating. You may also be tempted to think
that sex will strengthen your relationship. Both
of these assumptions are very untrue. Not only
will having sex affect your present
relationship, but it will also harm future
relationships (including your future marriage).
On top of that, a sexual relationship will have
an effect on other friendships.
Let's look at how it could affect the
relationship with the person with whom you are
presently involved. Something happens to a
dating relationship when sexual involvement
occurs. We've seen the following happen many
times when we were in high school and college.
It typically happens like this:
Tarzan meets Jane. They swing in the
jungle together for a few weeks. Everything is
going great, so they decide to go all the way.
Pretty soon they find themselves having
sex whenever they can. Jane sadly thinks back to
the days when they used to just sit together by
the river and share their dreams. Tarzan
remembers the fun times they spent together
feeding the monkeys.
Jane feels that Tarzan doesn't even know
her anymore. Tarzan feels that he can't even
talk to Jane. Both feel the heavy strain of
their relationship.
Should they get married? Jane doesn't
think that Tarzan is the man for her. Tarzan has
his eyes on some other woman.
So many people think that sex can bring a
boyfriend closer to his girlfriend. But it only
works like that if the forever commitment, the
marriage commitment, is there. If two people are
not living together, sharing everything, and
totally giving themselves permanently to each
other, sex will put a wedge in the relationship
instead of binding it together in a healthy way.
Sexually active dating relationships revolve
around sex almost if not totally exclusively.
Because of this, the dates will not get to know
each other well. Instead of talking about the
math test, the family, a friend's car, feelings
about today's news, dreams about the future,
etc., the number one concern becomes: "Are your
parents going to be out of the house tonight?"
Anyone can see that this is not good for a
relationship.
A strong relationship needs good
communication. A young man or woman might be
fooled into marrying the wrong person because
they really didn't take the time to get to know
each other beyond the bedroom. If you really
think that this can't happen to you and your
date, you're dead wrong.
Sexual intercourse puts a strain on other
friendships as well. Once couples have decided
to go all the way, their extra time and energies
are usually spent entirely on each other. If you
keep putting off your friends when they ask you
to go to the mall with them or to the game, soon
they will just quit asking. Your friendships are
a valuable part of high school. Dates will come
and go, but a best friend or group of buddies
can last a lifetime.
If a couple has isolated itself and a breakup
occurs, both partners might feel totally alone.
Sometimes this is why some hold on to miserable
relationships.
Sexual activity will also harm future
relationships. It will most certainly affect any
future dating relationships. If a girl breaks up
with a boyfriend with whom she's had a sexual
relationship, it will be very hard for her to
get rid of the reputation of someone who "goes
all the way." A lot of guys may want to go out
with her, but they only want to go out for one
thing. That kind of guy doesn't care about the
other person or about developing a loving
relationship. All he wants is sex. He may even
be willing to try to fool her in order to get
it. Now, not all guys are like that. Many guys
are decent and caring.
How does it affect a guy with a bad
reputation? The same way. Most guys, when they
want a good relationship, will want to date a
girl who is nice, friendly, and not someone
known as being "easy." When this guy (who is
known to have gone all the way) finds a nice
girl he would like to date, more than likely she
is going to turn him down. Most girls tend to
stay away from guys who have a bad reputation.
If that isn't bad enough, having intercourse
before marriage can also affect the future
marriage relationship. Studies have shown that
for those who are sexually active before
marriage, chances are much greater that they
will cheat on their spouse. If they can't
control themselves before marriage, what makes
them think they will control themselves after
marriage? No moral standards before --no moral
standards after. You can only begin to imagine
all of the consequences of a broken marriage
relationship. Just ask someone whose spouse has
been unfaithful or someone who has been through
a divorce.
These social consequences of having sex
before marriage are seldom considered by
couples. This is unfortunate because many of
them do happen to couples who engage in sexual
activity before marriage. These consequences are
seldom shown on TV shows or movies because the
media don't want to admit problems with the
loose moral standards they portray. It's too
bad, since these consequences are real and
should be considered when such decisions are
made.
Physical Costs (Russian Roulette)
When people mention "consequences" of having
sexual intercourse, they usually mean the
physical consequences. We kept the physical
consequences till last because the other ones
are too often overlooked as unimportant. Make no
mistake, the physical consequences are very
serious and very real.
We like the comparison here between having
sexual intercourse and playing Russian roulette.
In Russian roulette, someone places a single
bullet in one of the six chambers of a gun. He
gives it a spin, holds the gun to his head, and
pulls the trigger. If he's lucky, the bullet
will not be in the barrel when the gun is fired.
If he's unlucky, well, he's dead.
Who would be foolish enough to play such a
game? Yet, those who are sexually active are
opening themselves up to similar risks.
Let's take a look at sexually transmitted
diseases (STDs). A recent study from the Centers
for Disease Control says that one in four
teenagers who have had sex in a given year will
acquire an STD1.
The dreadful effects of these diseases range
from sores, lumps, and itching to damaged
reproductive organs and even death. Some types
of STDs cannot be cured.
More than one in five Americans are infected
with an incurable STD other than AIDS2.
STDs can cause sterility. If a baby contracts
certain STDs from the mother during delivery,
the disease can cause blindness, brain damage,
or even death. Some studies show that up to
twenty-nine percent of sexually active
adolescent girls have been infected with a
disease called chlamydia3
The most common complications of chlamydia and
gonorrhea, even if treated, are infertility,
miscarriages, and chronic pelvic pain.
Now let's look at AIDS. No cure has been
found for it, so it is fatal one hundred percent
of the time. An estimated one million people
have the HIV virus that causes AIDS4
And the number is growing fast among teenagers.
"Well, what about using a condom?" We heard a
speaker say once, "Condoms are a con job. Don't
be dumb."5 If a
condom cannot even prevent a pregnancy (their
failure rate is reported to be as high as thirty
percent for teens), how is it going to prevent
the spread of AIDS, whose virus is four hundred
fifty times smaller than sperm? Would you jump
with a parachute that failed thirty percent of
the time?
A sexual partner who seems "clean" or from a
good family is not necessarily free from
disease. Anyone who has had sexual intercourse
with someone else who also has had sex is at
risk. It's often said that having sexual
intercourse with someone is like having sex with
all of that person's past partners and their
partners' partners, etc.
Even if both partners are virgins, they're
still not free from physical consequences. Did
you know that one of every five teenage girls
who are sexually active gets pregnant?6
Four out of ten of these pregnancies will end
tragically in abortion.7
Girls, can you imagine worrying every month
whether your period is late? Talk about stress.
If it's just a few days late you are already
wondering: "What will I tell my mother? Can I
really kill my baby? I'm not ready for marriage.
What about college?"
And please don't be fooled into thinking that
a pregnancy out of wedlock can't happen to you.
It happens to over one million teenage girls
every year.
These physical consequences are very real and
can happen to anyone who is sexually involved.
Sometimes statistics can seem far removed from
reality. But the truth is that each one of these
numbers represents a real teenager just like
you.
Is It Worth the Price?
You tell us. After considering all of these
consequences, how can anyone say that premarital
sex is worth it?
Don, a sophomore, when confronted with the
possible consequences of premarital sex, had an
insightful comment. He said, "If any teenager
really stopped to think about all the bad things
that can happen, he wouldn't do it. The trouble
is we just put them out of our minds because we
want the immediate pleasure."
Please don't buy the lie that society is
telling you. Look ahead and consider the
consequences. No, it's not easy when you are in
the heat of passion. That's why it's so
important that you make this decision ahead of
time.
If we just follow God's plan for our
sexuality, we can avoid all of the undesirable
consequences. And it's not as if God is telling
us, "No, and that's final!" He is lovingly
telling us, "Not now, just wait." And we can
certainly testify that he's absolutely right.
If we don't abuse God's very good gift of
sexuality, it'll be the source of tremendous
happiness in marriage. Maybe you have already
abused the gift? Don't despair! There is hope.
You can begin again. The next chapter tells you
how.
Notes
1. Facts in Brief: Teenage Sexual and
Reproductive Behavior The Alan Guttmacher
Institute (New York) and the Centers for Disease
Control (Atlanta), 1993.
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid.
4. Ibid.
5. Comment attributed to Molly Kelly.
6. Facts in Brief. Teenage Sexual and
Reproductive Behavior.
7. Ibid.
|
